Doing this together
by Julimay
Summary: "Who is the father?" Kate looked offended at the question. She shot her a look. Hurt that she would even have to ask. Which could only mean... "Ca...Ca...Castle?" Lanie asked, her jaw on the floor. "When? How?" Set sometime after "The Limey"
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Dear Reader,

I'm from Germany and this is the first English story I've ever published.Feel free to tell me if I should delate the story because it's unreadable. I don't want to annoy readers with bad grammar or something.If you see hope for the story and you want to beta-read it (or other stories) please tell me.

Thank you for reading

o-o-o-o-o

 _I love you._

He wanted to say it so badly. But he knew she wasn't ready to hear it.At least she had let him show her how much he loved her. And it had been even a thousand times better than he had ever imagined. And he had imagined a lot.

He pulled her naked body closer towards him, enjoying her warmth against his skin. Neither of them were speaking. They should talk. He knew they should. They didn't of course. But they should.

What they probably shouldn't have done was sleep with each other without talking before. And if they hadn't been so drunk, he would have been able to see that it wasn't the best of ideas to sleep with her without being able to tell her how much he loved her. But it was too late for that.He was tired. It was already four in the morning. They could talk once they woke up, couldn't they?

He pulled her even closer to him and gave in to sleep. Content that he was able to hold her.

o-o-o-o-o-o

They didn't talk the next morning.

They went back to normal.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Kate?" Lanie asked with a concerned look at her best friend. "Are you okay?" She was awfully pale. She never got sick over a body and this one was only dead for a few hours and didn't smell too strong at all. But yet, she had just thrown up.

"Yeah", she said, pressing her lips together to force the nausea down. Her tone indicated that further questions weren't welcome. Lanie made a mental note to check on her later. She knew that Kate had a very stressful time with Castle pulling away and was thinner than ever. She obviously needed some good girl talk. But for now they went back to work.

The case was closed before they properly started to investigate. The murderer got a conscience and turned himself in.

After she finished her paperwork Lanie went over to her friends place with a bottle of wine. Kate opened at the second knock, looking overly tired and exhausted. That was strange. It had been an easy case and she got out of the precinct in the early afternoon. Maybe she was ill? That would explain the exhaustion and the throwing up at the crime scene. But in all the years Lanie had known Kate she had not once been sick.

She let her in with a forced smile. They went to the counter and Kate took two glasses out. Lanie saw a Chinese take-out meal on the counter that was only half eaten and... Were these gummy bears and chocolate between the noodles, the meat and the vegetables? Lanie's gaze shot up at Kate.

"What's this?" she asked disgusted while her gaze flew to her friend's midsection.

"Nothing", replied Kate snatching the take out bag away from her and unconsciously placing her other hand over her abdomen as if in the effort to hide something.

Lanie studied her. Kate looked like she had been caught, like a deer in headlight, pleading Lanie with her eyes to let it go. She decided to do that for now. But only because there was something - or somebody - else they needed to talk about.

"Did Castle join you for the case today?" Lanie asked, observing Kate closely. The blonde flight attendant seemed to be gone but they were still not back to normal and she knew that this was eating at her friend.

Why couldn't they just stop dancing around each other and jump into bed together?Kate looked at the floor, her face hidden behind her hair and shook her head. She reached for the bottle of wine and made attempts to open it. Lanie put her hand on hers and gently pulled her fingers away, placing the bottle out of her reach, along with the glasses.

"You are pregnant." It was not a question. The nausea, the exhaustion, the disgusting meal.Kate neither denied nor confirmed it. But the wide-eyed look was enough for Lanie. This scared the hell out of her. Lanie wondered who got her pregnant. This Hunt-guy? Someone she picked up after a case? Why would she do that? Lanie had thought she was working towards a relationship with Castle? What the hell was wrong with her?

Maybe that was the reason Castle was pulling away? Maybe he somehow had figured out that she had been sleeping with someone else? But Kate wouldn't do that, would she?Nothing made sense to Lanie.

"Who is the father?" Kate looked offended at the question. She shot her a look. Hurt that she would even have to ask. Which could only mean..."Ca...Ca...Castle?" Lanie asked, her jaw on the floor. "When? How?"

Kate sighed, deeply. Everything was just so exhausting. The pregnancy, Castle pulling away. She felt worn out.

"After Ryan's wedding. We shared a cab and when we were at my apartment I asked him if he wanted to come up. Of course he did and well..."She broke of, tears shimmering in her eyes. "It was amazing", she whispered, lost in thought.

Lanie was dumbfounded. She clearly hadn't expected this outcome when she went to share a bottle of wine with her friend and maybe talk some of one mystery writer."What happened?" The two of them were unbelievable. Why couldn't they just get their act together?

"I got a call about a body drop. I dressed and went to the crime scene. I left him a note to tell him where it was." Regret was openly shining in her eyes. "We just went back to the way it was before." Tears were streaming down her face now.

"Wait." Lanie said suddenly. "Ryan's wedding was two and a half months ago! How long have you known about the pregnancy?"

"Since the day of the bombing case." Her voice was so quiet and sad. Lanie could not find it in her to yell at her for keeping it a secret.

"That was three weeks ago! Did you tell Castle?" Maybe that was the reason he pulled away? But that was the most illogical answer. He would never pull away if he knew about the baby.Kate shook her head. "I wanted to tell him. But people kept interrupting us and when I finally had the time to talk to him he pulled away and waved me off." She took a breath and whipped some tears away before she continued. "And now he isn't there anymore and he's moved on."

She couldn't held it in anymore. She hugged her legs and started to sob into her knees. Lanie got up to walk over to her. She pulled her into an embrace and rubbed her back.

"You need to tell him", Lanie said after Kate had calmed down a little.

Kate nodded. She knew that. She just didn't know how.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

It was already past midnight. Lanie had convinced her that she needed to tell him today and she had finally gathered up the courage to go to the loft.

He opened after the third knock.

"Beckett, what do you want?" he looked at her with that passive aggressive gaze. Like he hated her.

All she wanted to say was _you_ but she forced it down. He was done waiting for her. No reason to embarrass herself.

"I'm pregnant", she said, not waiting to be let in. He didn't look like he wanted to invite her in. And she wasn't strong enough to argue with him. She just needed the words to get out before she chickened out again.

She saw his expression turn from angry to happy to sad in a matter of seconds.

"Pregnant?" He asked, holding the door open for her to enter. This wasn't something they should discuss in the hallway. Even Castle, who was currently angry with her, could see that.Once he had closed the door behind her, they stared at each other. Both waiting for the other to speak up first.

Kate wished he would react in one way or another. Hopefully he would... well, what? What did she hope he would do? She knew what she wanted him to do. But she also knew that it wouldn't happen. She wanted him to close her in his arms and tell her that they could do this together, that she didn't need to be afraid because he knew what to do... Yeah, not happening.

Rick kept staring at her. What did she want from him? Did she want child support from him? Did she want him to raise the child because she didn't want it? Oh god...Did she want an abortion? He knew she didn't love him but she wouldn't kill a child only because she didn't love the father, would she? He was too afraid to ask, so he kept silent.

"Pregnant", she confirmed, not knowing what else to say. Why couldn't he just say something? She felt sick. And it had nothing to do with the pregnancy. He looked like he was afraid. Why would he be afraid? Did he hate her so much that he feared he had to interact too much with her if they had a child together? She felt tears filling her eyes. She forced them back which made her urge to throw up even stronger.

"Look Castle, I know you hate me for some reason. But can you just say something?" She asked. He just studied her, still not sure what she wanted from him. But his fear that she would want to abort the child was gone. She wouldn't do something like this. And why bother to tell him about the pregnancy if she didn't intent to keep it, asked the more rational part of his brain. He still didn't know what to say. He didn't want to raise a child all by himself again. He even less wanted to see his child grow up with Kate and some other guy she would met and fall in love with. He wanted to raise this child with her. Together. But this wasn't an option. She didn't love him. So he didn't know what to say. He kept silent.

"Please", she begged. "Please say something" And now she couldn't stop the tears from running down her face. Oh god. She was pregnant and Castle hated her. This was a disaster.

"I don't hate you", Rick finally said. This was one thing he knew for sure.

"Yes, you do", she chocked between tears, not caring anymore that he saw her like this. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms, comfort her and tell her that they could do this together. But he couldn't. She didn't love him.

"No, I don't" _I love you._

"But you are acting like it", she whispered while she watched her tears falling down on her shoes.

He suddenly felt terrible about how he had acted towards her. Sure, she had lied, let him believe that there was something there for him to wait for, when there clearly wasn't. But she didn't deserve how he had treated her the last days. Especially if she was scared as hell about this pregnancy, which she clearly was.

Why did it hurt him more to see her suffer than he hurt over her lie? Or over being strung along like that? He should be angry at her. Beyond angry. It just wasn't fair that he still cared so much for her when she clearly didn't love him back.

He sighed. He couldn't change his feelings. He wanted to be angry but all he felt was defeat and sadness.

"Look Kate, I'm sorry. For acting like a jackass. You didn't deserve that", he started. "I just need some time to get over you" _Yeah, sure, as if that was ever possible._ "But then we can figure out what to do about the baby and shared custody and everything, okay? I just need some time", he told her quietly, trying to be the strong one. They were going to have a baby together after all. Someone needed to be the adult and since she was obviously beyond scared about the baby it was his time to be the responsible one. And despite what most people believed he could be a responsible adult. He just didn't like it too much.

Kate looked at him in horror, more tears running down her face every second."Get over me?" She was barely able to get understandable words past the tears. "Why...I mean... What did I do?"

Castle looked at her. It hurt him to see her cry but there was nothing he could do about it without hurting himself even more. It seemed like she really had no clue. Normally he would be angry at her for even asking that question. But maybe this baby of his, inside her, made her brain work slow. So he gave her a hint.

"You lied"

The confusion made her tears stop for a few moments. "I lied?" she asked. What had she lied about?

There was only one thing that came to mind… Just as she realized what he was talking about he confirmed her assumptions.

"Remembering your shooting", it was out now. They would have had to talk about it sooner or later anyway. Especially if they would be raising a child together. Together of course as in shared custody. Not together together.

"Oh god... oh no... Oh Castle...Rick, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry", tears where running down her face again. This time for his pain. Caused by her.

"It's okay, Kate", he said defeated. He felt incredibly exhausted. And just a little relieved as well. It finally was in the open. "It just hurt that you let me believe that there was something to wait for. To be strung along for a whole year." She looked at him in shock. What was he talking about? _Strung along?_ "Of course you not loving me back hurts too. But not as much as... One should think that you could have let me down easy...you know...as my friend...but apparently..." He should sound angry, but he was just too sad to even bother.

"Me not loving you back?" She stared at him wide-eyed. He thought she didn't love him. He thought she strung him along for a year. He thought there was nothing to wait for. He thought she didn't love him. She had royally screwed up.

"God, Castle, I'm so sorry for making you think that. I do love you. More than anything. I wanted to tell you during the bombing case but we got interrupted. And afterwards when I wanted to talk to you, you were already pulling away. Oh god I'm so sorry. And now you hate me. With good reason. But I love you and I am pregnant. But I love you and... and... and..."

"Then why lie?" He asked. He couldn't believe her until he understood why she lied to him.She inhaled deeply.

"Because I was selfish. I was shot and it was terrible. I missed you so much but I hated myself too much to present me to anyone but my dad, whom I threw out as soon as I could fetch myself coffee. And I just wanted things to get back to normal before I could dive into a relationship with you. I wanted to be with you but I knew I wasn't ready and would screw us up. I was still all about my mother's murder and my shooting, so deep down the rabbit hole that I needed you to pull me out as a friend, not a boyfriend. But I couldn't tell you this, so I lied. I'm so sorry. So sorry", she stopped and looked at him through her tear-clouded vision. "Is there anything I can do to fix this? Fix us?"

 _Please don't say that I screwed up beyond repair. Please Castle, let me make it up to you somehow. Please._

He took in her tear-stained face, the way she begged him with her eyes to forgive her. And there was nothing he could do about it. He was so madly, deeply in love with her, that there wasn't even the possibility for him to _not_ forgive her. He would maybe need some time to get over her lie. But she did love him and that was everything that really counted.

"Say it again", he answered her.

Her eyes started to shine with relief, happiness, and well...love. Not seeing her sad anymore made Rick's heart lighter as well. Especially when she made a step towards him, the beginning of a smile on her lips. How could it be possible that only seeing the ghost of a smile like this on her face made the heartache so much less painful?

Feeling brave she took two more steps towards him until she could take his hands into hers. She then looked up to him. In her flats she was a head shorter than he was. But unlike with other man she didn't feel small or exposed. She felt safe and protected.

"I love you", she told him once again. Smiling as she saw how happy her words made him. "I love you so much. I love you more than life itself. I love you more than I want to catch my mother's killer. I love you so much, I think my heart is going to explode with all that love." She took a breath and tightened the hold on his fingers. "I love you, Richard Castle." It seemed like once she had started telling him how much she loved him she couldn't stop.

Every word of love she spoke soothed the hurt he had felt over the past three weeks and when she was done speaking it barely mattered anymore and he took her in for an embrace. He didn't kiss her. They weren't there yet and he didn't want to rush things this time.

"I love you too. I can't imagine my life without you", he told her in the most matter-of-factly tone she had ever heard from him. She tightened her hold around his waist and let her head rest on his chest.

After minutes he pulled slightly away, taking one hand away from her back. She looked up at him and saw him glancing down at her stomach.

"Can I...?" he made an up and down motion with his hand while looking down at her abdomen.She just took his hand and guided it down until it rested against their baby inside her, her hand resting on top of his while he gently stroked her stomach. She relaxed under his warm touch and let her head sink against his chest again.

"Do you now if we are going to have a boy or a girl?"She shook her head, grinning, while he pulled her away from the front door where they were still standing and seated them on his couch, her head in his lap and his hand on her stomach, like it was glued there. Maybe this position was too intimate after everything that had happened between them but it just felt right.

"You know we can't find out until I'm at least four and a half months along, right?" she asked, teasing him a little. He should know that. He had already been through a pregnancy with Meredith.

"Oh, right" he said, a little embarrassed. Of course he knew that. He had just momentarily forgotten because he was so excited about the idea of having a baby with Kate.

"But I wanted to call my doctor anyway to get an ultrasound done. You can come with me if you want?" She said shyly. Maybe he didn't want to go to the doctor's appointments with her, which would be fine. She could do it alone. She would rather not but she didn't want to make him go if he didn't want to. But when she looked up at him and he had his little-kid-on-Christmas-smile on his face, she knew his answer.

"Really?" He asked excitedly. "I can go with you?"Every word they were saying to each other made the heartache of the last three weeks lessen. For the both of them.

"Of course. You are the father." She suddenly felt a lot less scared about the baby than an hour ago.

"Meredith never took me with her. I wasn't even allowed in the room when Alexis was born. I didn't get an ultrasound picture because _'it's only black and white, Ricky. It's not like you can see anything_ and I also wasn't allowed to touch her belly at any time." His eyes got a regretful look and he unconsciously added slightly more pressure to her stomach as if he feared she would make him take his hand away. _Stupid Meredith_ , Kate thought, while she took his hand and guided it under her shirt so he was closer to the baby.

"Well, I would love to have you with me", she said, enjoying the slight movement of his fingers against her naked skin. The unwell feeling she had had the last month disappeared under his touch. "In fact, I think I will be a lot less panicked if you are there" she admitted.

"There is nothing to panic about...okay maybe a little" he said chuckling. "A baby is a terrifying little thing. But we are going to do this together.""You have no idea how much I wanted you to say that" she told him.

He grinned down at her."Probably as much as I wanted to say it", he responded and leaned down to lightly touch her lips with his.

They were going to do this together.


	2. Chapter 2

I intended this to be an oneshot but since you guys wanted to write more, here it is.

o-o-o-o-o

He woke alone. The sheets beside him were empty and cold. Was it a dream? Kate being here, telling him she was pregnant and them going to bed together?

But that would be strange. Of course he dreamt often of her. He dreamed of her telling him she loved him. He dreamed of them getting married. He dreamed of her moving in with him. He dreamed of her being pregnant with his child. He dreamt of them having sex.

He never dreamed of her telling him that she was pregnant while he still thought that she didn't love him. So it must have been real, right?

But if it was, were was she? Had she gone home? Had she changed her mind? About him? About them getting together? About raising the child together?

He needed coffee. Maybe his overactive imagination was just a little too overactive this morning. There probably was a logical explanation to why she wasn't beside him right now. One that hopefully didn't involve her running away from him.

When he walked into his office, he saw her sitting on the couch. Reading one of his books and looking totally at home. He took a relieved breath. She was still here.

"Thank god. There you are" he said when she looked up.  
"I thought for a moment you changed your mind and were gone"

She looked at him. His words made her kind of sad. But she deserved this. It was only logical that he would think she ran away again. After lying to him for a year.  
It still hurt a little. She needed to reassure him. Reassure him that she wasn't going anywhere. That they were in this together.

"Sorry Castle", she said, putting the book on the couch and walking over to him. Hugging him, she said "I'm an early riser and I got bored lying in bed, so I went out here to read."

"One of mine, I've noticed" he teased but pulled her closer to his chest. She grumbled something into his shirt but didn't pull away.  
"What was that?" he asked.

"I said, I like the books. Doesn't mean I like the author" she tried to sound serious but her lips quirked up in a teasing smile.

"Ouch. You wound me. Just for that you are not getting ice cream for breakfast." He said with mock hurt in his voice. "Only pancakes and waffles and eggs and bacon and fruit. Yeah, no ice cream for you this morning."

He started to walk towards the kitchen but stopped when he noticed she didn't follow him. Oh no! She was pregnant. Maybe she craved ice cream right now. She would be angry at him. For telling her what she could eat and what she couldn't. He slowly turned around, preparing himself to be killed with looks.

But she just looked at him with so much love in her eyes that he thought his heart would jump out of his chest out of happiness.

"You coming?" he asked.  
"Hey! That's my line." She protested but followed him into the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, Castle placed a plate in front of her.  
"I can't eat all of this, Castle"  
Kate thought she hadn't eaten so much for breakfast in the entire last year.

"Sure, you can" he said, while he started to put some eggs on his fork. "You are eating for two. And I don't want Cosmo to starve."

"Cosmo?" Kate asked, amusement glistering in her eyes. "That's not a name."  
"Of course it is" he protested. "A beautiful name for a boy"  
"You think we are going to have a boy?" she asked, ignoring the ridiculous name for now. She found it kind of cute anyway… It was so…Castle.

"Yeah. I can feel it. It's a boy. I'm absolutely one hundred percent certain that we are going to have a little boy." He grinned.  
"One hundred percent certain?" she laughed "I think it's a girl" she said, just because she enjoyed the back and forth between them. She didn't care if they were going to have a boy or a girl and she knew Castle didn't either.

"Well, why don't you call your doctor while I do the dishes? And then we will see who is right."  
"You know as well as I do that we can't find out the gender today. We have to wait for that a few months"

"Yeah, I know. But just wait. You'll see that I'm right" he grinned. "It's a boy" he singsonged.

o-o-o-o-o

They were sitting in the waiting area of her doctor's office. Kate was worrying her hands. She was nervous.  
Castle couldn't sit still as well but for an entire different reason. He was bouncing with excitement.

"Castle?" she asked, fiddling her hands in her lap. The worry and the insecurity in her voice brought him a little down from his cloud of excitement. He looked at her.  
"Yeah?"

"What if I'm not good at this?"  
"Not good at what?" he asked, confused.  
"Raising a child. Being a mother" she said while she looked at her restless hands.

Castle took her hands in his and kept them still.  
"Hey, Kate, look at me" he said, voice gentle. She looked at him, her eyes open and vulnerable, shining with insecurity.

When he was sure he had her attention, he said "You are going to be an amazing mother, Kate. I promise. Do you want to know how I know that?"  
She nodded and he continued.

"Because you are amazing at everything you do. And this is no exception. You are extraordinary in every way, extraordinary from head to toe." It was a cute thing of him to say and if she weren't so worried she probably would have melted away because of his words. But she was worried.

"But I know nothing about being a mother. I never babysitted, I don't have siblings. I know nothing about caring for a child. I don't even know how to change a diaper" she protested, nowhere near reassured. She looked down at her hands again, intertwined with his.

"Kate" he said while he caressed her knuckles with his thumbs. "Look at me."  
He waited until she did what he had asked before he spoke again.

"I know how you feel, okay?" he said gently. "I felt the same – or worse – when Meredith was pregnant with Alexis. I was absolutely terrified. That's one of the reasons why I asked her to marry me. I wanted to tie her to me and our baby. Because I was scared that I would be alone with this tiny little person, whose life depended on my abilities to care for her.

Meredith wanted an abortion. I begged her on my knees to keep the baby. I pleaded and begged and even cried until she was so annoyed that she gave in. She loves her now. I know she does. But she was never around. She gave birth to her but Alexis was always my responsibility.

And I knew it. I knew from the start that I would have to do it alone. Marrying her was a desperate try to give my baby girl a whole family. It just didn't work out this way.

The one time I left Alexis alone with Meredith, she was crying when I got home while Meredith was sleeping with some movie director in our bedroom. I knew she was cheating on me. I didn't get a divorce before because of Alexis. But when she couldn't even look after her for two hours while I was at a meeting with my publisher I was done.

I accepted for a while that I was all alone with Alexis. But marrying Gina was another attempt to give Alexis a whole family and a mother figure. A female role model. That didn't work out as well."

He made a pause. Looking deep into her eyes, making sure she was listening. It wasn't necessary. She was following his every word.

"All I want to say, Kate, is that I didn't have a clue when I got Alexis and she turned out well. I don't know how but she did. Even with a man-child as her only parent. And you are not going to do this alone. I'm with you for every step. And I've done this before. Everybody who is becoming a parent needs to figure out how to be one but we are going to figure it out together, okay?" He looked at her, willing her to see that he meant every word.

He put one hand on her cheek and started to lightly caress her soft skin.  
"I love you, Kate. And I just know that you are going to be amazing"

Other people in the waiting room started to clap. Rick looked up. He had been so focused on Kate that he hadn't even noticed that other people were listening in on his little speech. Kate looked like she wanted to hide.

Feeling a little calmer about the baby, grateful for Castle's words but uncomfortable about people staring at them Kate decided to hide her face in his shoulder.  
"Thank you" she whispered.

He wanted to say something in response but the woman sitting across from them started to talk to him.

"That was beautiful. I think I feel a lot calmer now myself."

"Me too. You should do this for a living. Calming scared pregnant women down. You could make a lot of money. I mean who is not terrified about getting a baby?" said someone else.

"Yeah. You can be really happy to have a man like him in your life. I wish my husband were this good with words." Another woman added, turning towards Kate who was still hiding.

Kate would swear she could feel his grin in the muscles on his shoulder. How could he grin so widely that it affected every muscle in his body? And where did all the people come from? There weren't this much people when they started to talk, were there?  
Kate hated to be the center of attention. Seeing her at work nobody would guess but she liked to stay to herself when she wasn't in detective mode.

"Thanks. Maybe I could write a guidebook for men how to support the mother of their child when she is pregnant, what do you think, Kate?"

"Kathrine Beckett" called the secretary before she could answer him.  
"Thank god." Kate said and got up from her chair, hurrying to get away from all the people.  
"You coming, Castle?"

While he hurried to go after her, Kate could hear some of the women starting to whisper, including the words _famous, Richard Castle, Author, hot, writer, Nikki Heat, pregnant._ She rolled her eyes and dragged him into her doctor's office behind her. Maybe she should start calling him Rick when they were in public, minimizing the chance of someone recognizing him (and her) from his last name.

o-o-o-o-o

Castle watched Kate sleeping on his couch. After the doctor had told them that everything was fine with the baby they had grabbed a bite to eat before going back to the loft to enjoy Kate's day off together.

He watched her for a little while longer before pulling out his own personal copy of the ultrasound. Kate had insisted that they got two so he could keep it for himself, knowing how much it would mean to him.

As much as Castle wanted to just watch her sleep he knew he needed to get some writing done if he wanted to meet his deadline. And for once he intended to do so. He wanted to be free to focus on the baby once it entered this world. From past experience he knew that it would be difficult to write in the first months of a baby's life. The constant lack of sleep wasn't very inspiring.

He pulled a blanket over Kate, run his hand over her belly and walked into his office. He sat down in his chair and turned on his laptop. But before he opened the document that contained his latest work on Nikki Heat something else caught his attention.

The smart board to his right seemed to glare at him. He looked over at it.  
 _You have to tell her._ It seemed to whisper accusingly.  
 _She is going to hate you_ another voice argued.

Castle sighed. He knew he had to tell her eventually. But they were in such a good place right now. Finally moving forward. He didn't want to destroy what they had now. But he knew that it would only get worse the longer he remained silent. The longer he kept this from her.

He just hoped she wouldn't go down the rabbit hole because of this. But he had a bad feeling about it.

He decided to tell her when she woke up. He started to pace around in his office. Alone the thought of telling her this made him nervous.

No way could he write like this. He sighed.


	3. Chapter 3

I really don't like where this story took me. That's why I didn't post it. But well... here it is anyway.

I'm sure you are going to hate me now.

o-o-o-o-o

When Kate woke up, she was alone. Castle was nowhere to be seen. She put the blanket away and started to look around the loft. He wasn't in the living room. And he wasn't in the kitchen. But she could hear him walking around in his office.

She got up from the couch to see what he was doing. The moment she opened the door, he turned around. He looked kind of nervous.

"You okay?" she asked, teasing him. What was he nervous about?  
"Yeah" he nodded but she sensed that his heart wasn't in it. Huh… That was new.

"Kate, I…" he started but stopped himself, looking down at his feet for a moment. When he looked back at her again he looked fearful and regretful.

"What is it, Castle?" She was getting nervous too. What did he want to say? Did he change his mind about raising the baby together?

"I have to show you something" he said and slowly walked over to his smart board. He looked like he was preparing himself for a fight. His shoulders were tense.

Kate got worried. This couldn't be good. He was rarely this serious. Fear and panic started to take residence in her stomach.

"Before I show you this, please know that I love you and I really, really want us to work out." He said before he tapped the white board and brought it to life.

Kate was looking at a picture of herself. She was smiling and under the picture was her name. Castle looked at her, taking in her focused expression. With a deep sigh he tapped the picture and all the information came into view.

The first thing Kate saw was the picture of her mother. She instantly and unconsciously took a step back. She slowly looked at all the other people on the board. Names and pictures staring at her. Everybody who was related to her mother's murder.

What had he done? He had told her to back away. And she had listened to him.  
And now it looked like he was investigating it behind her back. _Her_ mother's murder. _Her_ shooting.

How could he do this?

She looked at the board, disappointment and fury building in her. She was going to focus on anger. That's when she noticed the empty space with the name Smith under it. Who was that?

"Who's Smith?" she asked, her voice ice cold.

Castle flinched. This wasn't going well. He could already see her going down the rabbit hole.

"He is the one who kept you safe the past months" Castle said carefully.

"Explain!" she ordered, not leaving any room for arguments. He studied her closely. This was so not going well. She was already starting to get blind to everything else but the case. But Castle needed to explain anyway. He couldn't keep this from her any longer.

"He is a friend of Montgomery" Castle started, knowing he had to tell but he was absolutely terrified how she would react.

"Montgomery sent him information, damaging to the people behind your mom's murder. He struck a deal with them. As long as you don't investigate they are going to let you live. The package only arrived after you had been shot"

He could see the anger in Kate's eyes rising until there wasn't anything else left. No kindness, no love for him, just anger.

"You had a lead on _my_ mother's case for a year and you didn't tell me?" she asked incredulous, her voice a loud angry hiss.

"I was trying to keep you safe" he said, keeping his voice even, neutral, in hope she would calm down, see his point.

"I needed a lead! Not protection!" she yelled angrily. "How do I find this guy?"

"Kate, please" he started to beg. She couldn't dig in this case again. They would kill her. "Don't do this. They are going to kill you"

"How do I find this guy?" she was going at him like she would on a suspect. Yelling, demanding, piercing him with her eyes.

He gave in. "I don't know. He is a voice on the phone, a shadow in a parking garage."

"Give me all the information you have" she demanded, stepping closer to him, her hand outstretched.

"No" he took a step back. "Kate, please, don't do this" he begged again.  
"They are going to kill you."

"It's my life! Mine! You don't get to decide!" she yelled. "Now give me the information"

"Kate, please" He could see her spiraling deeper into her anger, deeper down the rabbit hole and he was getting desperate. He couldn't lose her. Not again. And… Oh god. He couldn't lose their child.

"Please don't do this" he begged but with the state she was in he could talk to a wall and would accomplish more with his begging. Still, he had to try.

"Please Kate, please don't do this." His eyes started to water and he didn't care a bit. Sadly, Kate didn't either. "I love you, Kate. Please don't do this. I can't lose you. I love you."

"I don't care what you want or don't want!" she was getting angrier and angrier with every minute. He flinched, feeling his heart slowly shattering. "Give. Me. The. Information!"

"Please Kate, please think about the baby" he tried, getting desperate.  
"You are going to get the baby killed" he was barely able to see her through the clouds of tears that were forming in his eyes.

"It's my body! I can do with it whatever I want!" she yelled, completely caught in her anger, oblivious to how much she was hurting him. Or she simply didn't care.

He looked at her, willing her to take back the words. To take back that she didn't care about the baby's life. He could take that she didn't care enough about him but he couldn't take this.

She couldn't mean this, could she? She couldn't be serious about not caring for the baby? Just hours ago they were talking about the gender. Just hours ago they made the ultrasound, making them both cry out of happiness. She couldn't mean what she just said, could she?

Their eyes were locked. His pleading her to take the words back. Hers burning with blind anger.

When she didn't say anything, he felt the tears leave his eyes, making their way down his cheeks.

His heart broke into a million pieces. Pieces on which Kate was jumping brutally with every second she didn't take the words back.

"I guess there is nothing I can say" he choked out, trying hard to hold back sobs. He walked over to the smart-board, pulling the USB drive out.

"I never thought of you as a killer. But if you are investigating this you are going to get _our_ child killed. It's not only yours." His heart, only teeny tiny shattered pieces, fell down from his chest to his stomach, piercing it, turning it around. He felt the urge to throw up. "It's mine too"

He let the USB drive fall on the table. "Have fun with it. Obviously I'm not going to be a part of this. If you want to throw your life away, so be it. But I'm not going to stick around to watch you do so. I'm not going to make Alexis lose her father to this. I'm not going to watch you kill our baby. My baby. You don't even deserve it being called yours. A parent should want to protect his child, not kill it. It's over, Kate. I'm done" he said before turning around and walking into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Quietly. It felt like finality. Defeat. Disappointment.

Kate watched the door close, still caught in her anger. Too deep down the rabbit hole to care about anything or anyone else. It was like she hadn't even heard what he had said the whole time. The only thing on her mind was the new lead she had on her mother's case. There was no room for emotions. No room for anything else but the case.

She took a step forward to pick the USB drive from the desk. When she did her gaze fell on the ultrasound picture Castle had already put in a frame that was now sitting on his desk, staring back at her.

She quickly avoided her eyes but the picture was burned inside her head. She felt her eyes water. She looked at the closed door of his bedroom again before she turned around and walked out of his office towards the front door of the loft. The USB drive clutched in her hand.

o-o-o-o-o

Castle was devastated. He didn't know what to do. Never in his life had he felt so awful.

He could cry, scream, destroy everything around him and throw up all at the same time.

Never before had he felt so useless, so defeated, so helpless, so powerless. He slid down the back of his bedroom door. Ultimately defeated.

There was nothing he could do. He had told her he loved her. He had reminded her of the baby. Nothing he could offer her would get her out of the state she was in.

He felt hot tears running down his face in a steady flow. Why did he need to fight for his children's lives every time?

At least he had been successful with Meredith. He had been able to buy her with shoes, clothes and jewelry. This was something they had agreed to never tell a soul. Never. She loved Alexis now, he knew that but she hadn't wanted her in the beginning.

How could Kate do this? How could she risk their baby's life like this?

He slammed his fist against the door. Of course, only hurting himself in the process. He screamed frustrated. Nobody would hear him anyway since nobody was home.

At some point he decided to write, knowing for sure that what he was about to write would never see the light of day.

He just needed to get all the frustration out, all the helplessness, all the anger, and all the disappointment in Kate and in himself for not being able to hold her back, to just not being enough for her. Never enough.

His fingers flew over the keyboard furiously. All the emotions were slowly flowing out of his fingers into the words he was hammering.

Until nothing was left despite the feeling of defeat and numbness. He felt dead inside.

Never enough.

His fingers hit the keyboard at a rapid pace. He didn't even register what he was writing. He would probably never read it himself, not ever wanting to go back to the place he was in right now.

That's how Martha found him. Typing furiously, tear-stained face and the most devastated look she had ever seen on his face.

She felt the urge to sit down on the couch with him, pull him in her lap and rock him back and forth like she had done when he was a little boy.

She knocked at the doorframe, lightly. He didn't look up.

"Richard" she said softly. He looked up. Now that she could see his eyes she got even more concerned. They were blood-shot. He clearly had been crying for some time now.

She walked the few steps towards his desk, sitting down on the edge of it so she could look him into the eyes.

"What happened?" she asked.

Not being able to answer his mother he carefully, very carefully handed her the frame that was still sitting on his desk.

She took it, looking at the ultrasound until she found the name of the patient, causing her head to shoot back up.

A few theories came to her mind. Maybe she was pregnant with someone else's child? No, he would be shattered but not like this and he wouldn't put the picture in a frame.

Maybe she lost the child? But were was she? If she had lost the child and told him about it, wouldn't she be here? Going through this together?

"What happened, Richy?" she asked again, using the pet name she hadn't used the last 35 years and her gentlest voice.

"I showed her the smart-board" he said, new tears filling his eyes. "She is going to investigate it. She is going to get the baby killed, mother"

The tears were flowing down again. How could she do this? How could she kill their baby? Well, get it killed. But it was the same.

"Oh Richard" Martha said compassionately, hugging her boy and wishing she could make his sorrows go away like she had been able to when he had been a little boy.

They stayed like this for a long time. She didn't say that she had told him to show her sooner but she had. And she couldn't stop herself to wonder if things had gone differently if he had told her months ago.

But she couldn't understand how Kate could risk her baby's life. Martha had never figured her for somebody who put herself first. Least of all above a little helpless innocent creature, growing inside her. She was furious at her for her son's sake and sad that she probably would never get to know this grandchild of hers.

o-o-o-o-o

It's going to be a little better again. Promise


	4. Chapter 4

Burke stood in the front room of his office, going over files with his assistant when a devastated looking Kate Beckett stormed in. Seeing her, Burke knew it had to be some kind of emergency. He had never seen her this agitated before. Not in the beginning, not during the sniper case, never.

"Cancel the rest of my appointments for today" he told his assistant who nodded once she caught sight of Kate.

Burke stepped around the desk and said "Kate, please come in" like he was expecting her. He held the door to his office open and let her walk in in front of him. This was going to be one of this sessions where she paced around in his office and would say close to nothing. But since he had no longer any other patients today, he was able to wait her out until she was ready to talk.

"You seem to be in a turmoil" he stated.

Kate didn't answer for a long time. She just paced in his office, feeling the need to flee and go to the precinct instead. But she stayed.

"He hid information about my mother's murder" she finally said, feeling betrayed, disappointed and angry.

Not needing to ask whom she was talking about he questioned "Why did he do it?"

Kate looked at him, annoyed, before she started to pace again, never able to rest. It didn't matter _why_ he did it, it just mattered _that_ he did, Kate told herself. The back of her mind screamed to her that it _did_ matter but she wasn't ready to listen to this part.

"He even has a new lead" Kate said, not answering his question because she wasn't ready yet to think about Castle's motive to betray her like this.

Burke waited her out. In the past year he had learned that he wouldn't get anywhere with Kate Beckett if he asked questions she didn't want to answer yet. There had been entire sessions where she hadn't said a single word.

"There is a guy who has information about the people behind my mother's murder" she said, looking longingly at an object in her hand. Burke noticed the USB drive and assumed that it contained the information her partner had found. He was kind of proud that she came here instead of running straight into deaths arms.

"What are you going to do?"  
Kate stared at him for a moment before pacing around again.

"I don't know" she groaned frustrated. A very unhealthy part of her just wanted to run to the precinct to start working the case. But the little voice in the back was able to hold her back. For now.

There had to be more behind this. Burke could only guess what Rick Castle had said but he supposed it was the reason why she was even here instead of chasing down this lead he had found.

"Why don't you tell me what happened, Kate? Maybe I can help you figure it out. But you have to give me something I can work with"

Kate slumped down in the armchair opposite from him. Hugging her knees to her chest to prevent herself from running (or pacing around). She would tell her therapist. She wouldn't run from him. She would tell him. However long it took to get all the words out, she would tell him. She _needed_ his help. She knew that.

Two hours and many disruptions later, Burke knew about what happened after Ryan's wedding, about the pregnancy, about every word that had been spoken in their fight that had her running to him and how the ultrasound picture had somehow pulled her out of the rabbit hole. Just a little. A few inches. But enough to prevent her from hunting down this Smith guy. At least for now.

But he could tell she was still deep down. In their previous sessions she had been almost ready to let it go so she could start a relationship with her partner. But this had thrown her back to a place she had left months ago.

The case was an obsession, an addiction for Kate. Just like alcohol and drugs could be.

"What do you want to do now, Kate?" he asked.

"I want to solve the case" she answered with almost no hesitance. Almost.

"What stops you?" He, of course, knew what was stopping her. But she needed to figure it out for herself.

"I don't know" she said, stubbornly. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to solve the case. Only… something was holding her back… or someone… or two someones.

Burke said nothing, knowing she would come out of her shell when she was ready. Since he had no other patients today, he had all the time in the world to wait for her.

Burke could tell she was lost in thought, fighting an internal battle. At some point she seemed to close herself off, shutting out emotions, her detective mask in check.

This wasn't what he was hoping for. The opposite in fact.

"I need to solve the case" she said with determination. The case was important. It was. She _needed_ to solve her mother's murder. She _needed_ justice.

"What about the baby?" he asked and she looked away, hurt showing in her face for a second before she had herself in check again. She just shrugged, avoiding her eyes.

This approach wasn't getting him anywhere. He decided to try another method, something that worked with other patients. He had never tried it with Kate, never figured her for the type to think about what-if-scenarios. But since she was so far gone anyway he decided to try. It seemed like there was nothing to lose anymore anyway.

"Alright Kate, I want you to close your eyes. I'm walking you through a scenario now. Just listen. Are you ready?"

She looked at him insecure, but some part of her still seemed to accept his help. She finally nodded and closed her eyes, her body tense, nowhere near relaxed.

"We are ignoring the pregnancy for now" he started. That seemed to ease some of the tension. Burke made a mental note to address this later. Probably in a later session if he succeeded in getting her out of the rabbit hole. Otherwise he would probably never see her again.

"Imagine you go to the precinct right now. Plugging the USB drive in your computer" he continued and watched her closely when she seemed like she wanted to jump to her feet to do just that.

He decided to skip the part that held so much temptation for her.  
"Let's say you hunt the responsible people down. They get locked up in prison for life. You miraculously survived against all odds. How are you feeling now, Kate?"

She opened her eyes, hugging her knees tight.

"I don't know"

"Try to imagine. This is the goal you've worked towards for years. Over a decade. What does it feel like to reach it?" Pushing her was a mistake. She looked away, retreating back into herself. Burke groaned inwardly at his own mistake.

"Okay" he said, desperate to get her out of this state. He really didn't want to see her obituary notice in his newspaper some morning. "Feelings aside, for now. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know" she whispered.

"What would you _want_ to do?" he asked, figuring that the one thing she would want to do probably wouldn't be a possibility.

She didn't answer for a long time. She just stared at the floor, studying the dark spots on the parquet.

"Go for a celebratory drink with Castle" she finally whispered, on the verge of crying.

"And that wouldn't be possible?" he asked, knowing full well that it wasn't after the conversation she had told him about, but needing her to say it herself.

"No" he could hear the tears in her voice even if she still stubbornly avoided looking at him.

"Why?" he asked. She was getting annoyed again. Annoyed that he was asking questions _he_ already knew the answer to but making her spell it out for him anyway.

Annoyance was good with Kate. It would get her to talk.

"Because he won't be a part of this. Because he said we are done. Because I screwed up" she spit out, her voice rising for a few words before cracking again at the end, almost ending in a sob.

"But you still would want him by your side?" he asked, gently now.

"Yes" she choked out.

"What does this tell you?"

She cried for some time before she answered.  
"That I want him more than I want to solve my mother's murder?"

She said it as a question but her own words triggered something. A memory. From just a day ago. Wasn't that what she had told him? That she loved him more than she wanted to catch her mother's killer?

She curled herself into a tighter ball, trying to hold herself together. It didn't help anything. She started to weep bitterly until her whole body was wrecking with intense sobs.

She felt herself coming out of the icy place of a rabbit hole that made her callous, numb and stony only to be greeted with another cold. Even worse. Because it was all her fault. Because she had said _things_ to Castle. Unforgivable things. Because she hadn't said something when she should have. Agreeing with her silence to the things he was accusing her of.

Sure Castle had investigated the case behind her back, had been hiding information from her, had _betrayed_ her.

But he did it because he loved her, to protect her. To keep her alive. His motive was selfless, risky, totally stupid but ultimately forgivable.

What she had done wasn't. What she had done was unforgivable. Absolutely unforgivable. She had spit on his love for her when she hadn't responded to his plea to let the case go. She had put the case over him. She had put the case over Alexis' happiness, knowing full well that if Castle would have stayed by her side during that case and died doing it, Alexis would have lost her parent. Just like herself.

She had put the case over their baby. Had practically said that she didn't care about it. That she would risk its safety gladly if it meant putting her mother's murderer behind bars.

She was sobbing violently, her whole body shaking, her stomach turning around.

She had disappointed him. She had disappointed her mom.

God, what would she say if she knew what she had done? She always knew that her mom would want her to be happy, to put the case behind her even if it meant never catching the person responsible. How disappointed would she be if she knew that Kate would have willingly risked her grandchild's life for the possibility of catching her killer?

For the first time Kate wished that she wasn't looking at her, from wherever she was now. She wished her mother couldn't see her. Hadn't seen what she had done.

She was shaking violently. Her whole body wrecked with sobs. She could never make up for this. She had destroyed every chance for happiness she had ever had. She had pushed Castle away. She didn't deserve his forgiveness. She didn't deserve his baby. She didn't deserve him.

She had destroyed every chance they ever had. And everything was her fault. He was so sweet. Just this morning he had showered her with the most reassuring, sweetest words and she had destroyed it. Destroyed everything.

She felt herself drifting into a state where there was nothing. Nothing but coldness and emptiness. No thoughts, no real feelings. Just nothing. It seemed like her heart could no longer take the thoughts her mind was sending to it.

The place her mind was now was empty, lonely, cold. This was how death must feel like. Maybe she was dead? Could someone die from heartbrokenness and regret?

She felt hands on her shoulders. Large hands, warm like Castle's. Through her tear-clouded vision she could see nothing. She had gone so deep in her thoughts that she didn't know anymore where she was.

"Castle?" she choked out. Somehow knowing it couldn't be him but in her mind nothing made sense anymore. She felt dead. However that felt like.

"No, Kate" Burke said softly, trying to get her to look at him.

He had called her name for the last ten minutes. She hadn't responded in any way.

Kate looked up, seeing her therapist kneeling in front of her, concerned look on his face. Yeah, she probably was his worst patient ever.

She remembered where she was and why she was here.

"What do I do?" she asked desperate, voice rough from sobbing and crying.

"Talk to him" he said, too concerned about her to bother making her come to the conclusion herself.

She shook her head.  
"No" she said, the image of his closing bedroom door in her mind. Final. Too quiet to be anything but. Not only closing the literal door but the figurative one too. The door to their relationship.

And she couldn't blame him. That's what she deserved. This and so much worse.

"Why not?" asked Burke gently, not really knowing how to handle her in this state. He never had had a patient as difficult as her.

She told him about the door.

"Kate" he said softly, hoping she wouldn't retreat back into herself with his next words. "I know subtext is kind of your and Castle's thing but wouldn't you like to know for sure that it's over?"

"He already said so"

"That was in combination with you going behind your mother's killer. But you won't do that now, will you?"

She shook her head. No, not after her realization of how disappointed her mother would be. How much she had disappointed Rick.  
And god, she couldn't do this. She would get her child killed. How could she even have considered going behind this guy while she was pregnant? What had she been thinking?

She knew the answer to that. She hadn't been thinking at all. She already knew from her early therapy sessions that her mother's case was to her what alcohol was to her father. Something that should never be touched. Something that would pull her under.

"And you are still going to have a child together. At some point you need to face him again, Kate. The sooner the better. I'm sure he is not feeling better than you."

"He is not going to forgive me this time" she said.

Probably not, Burke thought. "I didn't say that. I said talk. Try to explain. Apologize. And hope that he will at least listen."

Kate took a deep breath and wiped her tears away. He was right. She had nothing to lose anymore anyway. He probably would want the child, thinking it wouldn't be safe with her and being right in thinking so. That's what they should talk about. She could at least promise him to try to keep his baby safe until she could hand it to him, knowing she didn't deserve it anyway.

She uncurled herself. Her muscles hurt from staying in this position for so long. She took another deep breath before rising from the chair. Burke stood with her.

"Thank you" she said.

He just nodded. He wished he could have helped her better before so this disaster wouldn't have happened in the first place.

"I want to see you daily from now on, Kate" he said. Normally he only saw people that were potentially suicidal on a daily basis but for her he would make an exception. Besides, if she would gave into the temptation to follow this lead it would be a suicidal mission anyway.

She just nodded. This probably wasn't the worst idea. Of course it would be annoying, given that she had to work too, but it probably was a necessity.

"And if you and Mr Castle need something like a mediator, don't hesitate to bring him along" He normally didn't do couples counseling but nothing was normal about them and it seemed like they would really need it. And there was no chance Kate could open up to another therapist. Someone new.

 _If_ Castle decided to give her a chance again, which Burke wasn't sure of.

She nodded, thanked him again and left. Hopefully to go talk to Castle.

Burke sighed, letting himself fall back in his armchair, relaxing for a few minutes before he opened his eyes again and looked at his watch.

If he would have stuck to his schedule he would have been at home two hours ago. His wife would be annoyed but this had been an emergency. Once he explained she would understand. He sighed before packing his things and leaving his office. His assistant was long gone.

o-o-o-o-o


	5. Chapter 5

Martha sighed when she heard the clicking of the keyboard again. He had drowned himself in alcohol a little, knowing Alexis wouldn't be home for the next few days. It was probably a good thing that she was spending time with her friends in the Hamptons. She shouldn't see her father like this.

The clicking got faster again. A sure sign that he was frustrated and angry. Her son had never been one to pick a fight. He had always used his words, never his fists. At times his keyboard was like a punching bag. Times like this.

Martha couldn't believe that Katherine cared more about getting justice for her mother than she cared about the baby. She could remember being pregnant with Richard, how it felt to feel him kicking against her stomach, how she would do anything to protect him.

She liked her. She had really hoped they would end up together. She knew Richard loved her and she was pretty sure his feelings were reciprocated but maybe this wasn't enough. Maybe she really just didn't care enough about him.

It made her sad. She could have made him happy. And she was pretty sure that he could have made her happy too. It made her sad to think that they missed their chance. They both deserved to be happy. Both of them had been through enough before this already.

Before Martha could think longer about bad timing and the sadness of it, there was a knock on the door. She was pretty sure Richard hadn't heard it in the state he was in. And even if he had she was sure he wouldn't get up to open the door, knowing that it wasn't Alexis and not caring about anybody else right now.

When she opened the door she was greeted with the sight of Katherine Beckett, her eyes as blood shot from crying as Richards. Her mascara was smeared all over her cheeks. There was probably none left on her lashes. She looked as devastated as her son and Martha had to fight motherly instincts to keep herself from hugging the younger woman. She really cared about her too and she hated to see her like this.

But she had to stay on her son's side. She just wished they would all find themselves on the same side again someday.

For a short moment she thought about not letting her in. She was furious at her for hurting her son, for apparently not caring about her grandchild. But she threw that thought away.

It had to mean something that Katherine came back, right? Hopefully she was here to apologize. It wouldn't heal them but she could at least tell him that she wasn't going to get his child killed. Hopefully that was why she was here.

Martha noticed that Kate was working hard to keep it together. She had stared at her long enough and she could see that it was making her nervous. Not wanting to scare her away Martha opened the door wider, signaling her to come in.

"He is in his office" Martha said, not really knowing what she should do. She shouldn't interfere with her son's life but they needed to talk. Hopefully it would make him feel a little better.

"Please don't hurt him further" she added.

Kate nodded, tears shimmering in her eyes again. She was thankful Martha had let her in. She knew she couldn't make anything undone or even make up for it but she needed to apologize, to tell him that she wasn't going to risk his baby's life.

She made her way to his study, thinking about what she should say when Martha called from the door "I'm out, kiddo." Kate felt instantly bad, knowing that she only went out now because she wanted to give them space to talk. But she appreciated it anyway.

This time he didn't notice her when she stood in the entryway of his office. He was seated on his chair in front of the desk. His fingers were flowing over the keyboard at a rapid pace. He didn't look at the screen. His eyes were closed. He looked so hurt, so shattered.

She swallowed. This was her fault. She slowly walked over to his desk. He didn't look up. He either didn't notice her or he didn't want to. She stopped just inches in front of the desk. He was still typing furiously.

She didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She carefully pulled the USB drive out of her jeans pocket. She eyed it. Stupid little thing. Caused all of this. She carefully placed it on the table, next to his keyboard.

Rick noticed movement through his closed eyelids and tried to decide if he should open them. Probably just his mother, wanting to get his attention. He should keep his eyes closed. This way he was at least able to stop crying like a baby.

He was just about to shut the outside world out again when a wave of a familiar smell caught his attention. But for the first time it didn't bring comfort or love or joy. No. The scent of cherries made him nauseous. He snapped his eyes open just to see her standing in front of his desk, her hand resting next to his keyboard. He pulled his hand away, to prevent it from accidently touching her.

She looked as shattered as he felt, Castle thought. He tried to ignore the little sting it caused his heart to see all her make-up everywhere on her face but the places where it should be.

No. He didn't care. He didn't care about her blood-shot eyes. He didn't care that she looked like she had been crying as long as he had. He didn't care.

And he absolutely didn't want to comfort her. Because it was all her fault. He. Didn't. Care.

She took her hand back from his desk, leaving the USB drive on the table. Castle's gaze fell on it. What did she want? Why was she back?

"What do you want, Kate?" he snapped and he totally didn't care that she flinched at his angry words. He didn't.

Kate felt the first tears preparing themselves to make their appearance again. He had every right to be angry. To hate her. To never want to see her again.

"I want to apologize. For the things I said" she started, working hard not to cry. "And for not saying anything when I should have." There was so much more she wanted to say, but words had never been her thing. She needed Castle to say something. She needed him to prompt her.

"You think everything will be okay again when you apologize?" Castle asked, a mask over his face. Kate couldn't tell what emotions he was hiding from her to save her life. Probably anger.

"No" Kate said. Her eyes were burning from unshed tears. "I just owe you an apology and I know I can't make up for what I said and didn't say but thought you should know that I'm truly sorry"

Castle stared at her and Kate could see the anger glistering and bubbling up. _Yes, Castle, That's good. Be angry, yell at me. I deserve that and you should let it out before it eats you up._

"I don't get you" Castle groaned exasperated. "You come here and tell me that you are pregnant. You tell me that you love me and that you want to raise _our_ child together."

Kate nodded and looked at the floor ashamed. She couldn't hold the tears in anymore and Castle pretended that he didn't care to see her cry. It just wasn't fair that he still hated seeing her cry so much. It just wasn't fair that his stupid heart still beat faster when he saw her. It just wasn't fair.

"And then, not even 24 hours later, you walk out on me. You tell me that you _don't_ care about me. You don't care about _my family_. You don't care about _our_ baby. All you care about is your _obsession_ with your mother's murder. And all that after you told me a day prior that you _love me more_ than you want to solve your mother's case. Granted it wasn't my cleverest move to keep this from you but I did it to protect you because I love you. But you don't care about that. So I don't get why you are back, Kate"

He was frustrated. What could she possibly want? She had already broken his heart and kicked the pieces multiple times. Why was she here?

"What do you want from me?" Castle asked exhausted. He wasn't an angry guy by nature and being angry for so long was draining his energy. If she would just tell him why she was here maybe they could get it over with faster and she would leave him alone to lick his wounds in peace and try to get over her.

"To keep me grounded" Kate whispered, watching the tears fall to her shoes.

"What?" asked Castle. He hadn't heard her properly and what he had heard must be his imagination.

"I know it's not fair of me to ask. But Castle…" she looked up and wiped the tears away. "I don't know how to stay away from the case. I…I… need you" she shook her head. Yes, she needed him to keep her away but he wouldn't do it for _her_. "The baby needs you to keep me away from this case. Please Castle, please help me keep the baby safe until it's here and I can't jeopardize its life anymore."

Castle stared at her for a long time. She was so confusing. How should he ever make sense of her actions and reasoning? He was still so angry and hurt. But it seemed like she didn't want to pursue the case anymore.

But he wouldn't make assumptions again. They didn't get him anywhere and just caused more confusion and hurt.

"You won't go after Smith or anybody else related to the case?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously. This was so not what she had said hours ago. But she looked like she was in her right mind at the moment. Somehow, at least.

She shook her head. "No" Tears were running down her face in an unstoppable waterfall.

"I know I can't fix us. I know you can't forgive me. But I do love you. That wasn't a lie. I even love you more than I want to solve the case. I really do. It's just like it always pulls me down the rabbit hole and I'm not capable of seeing anything else. That's why I need you to keep me away from it. For the baby's sake. Please."

"I never said that" said Castle, still not sure if he could believe her. He believed her that she loved him. He just didn't believe that she loved him as much as she was saying.

"What?" asked Kate confused, stopping to cry for a moment.

"I never said that I could never forgive you" Castle clarified. Of course he wasn't ready to forgive her right away. But he was forgivable to a fault and if she really would leave the case alone and protect the baby he probably couldn't stop himself from forgiving her. Even if he maybe shouldn't. Even if she didn't deserve it.

But he just didn't want to always have bad feelings when he thought about her. He was so madly in love and they had had a lot of good times. He didn't want to always feel regretful and sad when he thought about her and his time working with the 12th. Because he couldn't imagine hating her for the rest of his life. And with her, there was nothing in between. It was either loving or hating her.

And he would rather not hate her.

"You shouldn't" Kate said quietly. Of course she wanted him to forgive her but she knew she didn't deserve it.

"I know" he said, causing her to nod sadly. "But I want to try" he said and she looked up at him. The most grateful look on her face.

He studied her. She seemed much more composed than five hours ago when she had stormed out. What had grounded her? What had caused her to see sense?

"Where did you go?" he asked. She hesitated for a second but not long. She needed to be completely honest with him. And she wanted to.

"To see my therapist" she told him, waiting for his reaction. His eyes got wide.

"You have a therapist?" he asked.

Kate shrugged. "Well, obviously I need one" she hesitated before she said "he suggested I bring you along tomorrow. Only if you were willing to of course. You don't have to…"she drifted off.

"You are seeing him again tomorrow already?" Castle asked.

"He decided that I need to see him daily for a while" Kate confessed.

"And he invited me to come along?" Castle asked and she nodded. "And you would be okay with that?" he asked skeptically, not believing that she would let him join her in something as private as a therapy session.

"Yes. He thinks we could probably use a mediator" she said, giving him a shy smile.

Castle gave her a half smile back. "He's probably right"

"Probably" Kate said, feeling incredibly relived that he was trying to forgive her.

They just looked at each other for some time.

"What happens now?" they asked at the same time, and couldn't help but smile. They were still so in sync with each other. How was that even possible?

Castle shrugged. "We talk?"

"I would like to try that" Kate nodded.

Neither of them said a word after they had sat down on the couch in his living room, not knowing what to say.

After a while Castle decided to just voice the thing that was on the forefront of his mind.

"You hurt me"

"I know" Kate said sadly. "And I can't apologize enough for what I said but I want you to know that I didn't mean anything of it. Please believe that, Rick"

"You said you don't care about the baby" Rick said and it hurt him to say it out loud.

Kate's eyes filled with tears again. She felt nauseous.

"Please Rick, please believe that I didn't mean that. Please" she begged him. "If you don't believe anything else, please believe _that._ I didn't mean it. Please believe me."

„I want to believe you, Kate. But please understand that it's a little difficult right now" Rick told her.

„I'll prove it to you. I promise" Kate said while big tears rolled down her cheeks.

Rick said nothing. He really hoped that she would keep that promise


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

To say Kate was nervous would have been the understatement of the year. She gripped the wheel of her car tighter to prevent her hands from trembling nervously.

Rick beside her didn't seem to fare any better. He had changed the radio station like twenty times the last three minutes, his leg was bouncing up and down and he ran his hand trough his hair every other second.

They were on their way to see Dr. Burke. Kate had picked up Castle a few minutes ago for her early morning meeting with her therapist.

They'd tried talking last night but it had been difficult. Both of them had wanted to be open with their feelings but it was hard and neither knew what to say. They'd wanted to really talk and not fall back into subtext but all that had happened, was that they had sat beside each other awkwardly.

Kate really hoped that Dr. Burke could help them. She didn't know how to talk to Castle. She felt like she needed to apologize for the rest of her life. And even then it wouldn't be enough.

„I've never talked to a therapist before" Rick stated when he couldn't take the silence anymore. He didn't know what to talk about with Kate. He had never had that problem before. But he just had issues trusting her right now. He wished he could trust her. But he couldn't.

He used to trust her with his life, his family, his heart. He had trusted her with everything. Now that trust was gone. Well okay, he still trusted her with his life. But the rest? Not so much.

Castle didn't expect her to say something to his statement and she didn't.

A few minutes later they arrived their destination and got out of the car.

„You ready?" Kate asked before they entered her doctor's office.

„As I'll ever be" he answered, following her in.

They sat down in the waiting area, none of them knowing what to say. This was awkward. Rick hated it. This had never happened to him. Never. Not with anybody. And would it be any other person he wouldn't suffer through this awkwardness. But this was Kate. And he hoped that in the end it would all be worth it.

„I hate therapy" Kate sighed.

„Why did you go if you hate it so much? I mean aside from yesterday? Why did you go the last months?" Castle asked. He'd wondered about that ever since she told him yesterday that she was seeing a therapist regularly. He just couldn't imagine Beckett to willingly open up to another person. A shrink no less.

Before Kate could answer Dr. Burke called them into his office. Instead of the usual armchair there was a couch in it's place.

„Hello Kate, you look better" he greeted her, shaking her hand. Then he turned to Castle.

„You must be Rick Castle. Nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Burke as Kate has probably told you" the doctor introduced himself, shaking Castle's hand. „Now before we start I'd like to clarify how to address you. Everything is fine. Whatever works for you"

Castle looked over at Kate. „He calls you by your first name?"

Kate nodded.

„Then I'll go with my first name as well"

„Alright. Let's take a seat then please." Dr Burke mentioned to the sofa.

„I have to inform you that I don't do counseling normally but I'm making an exception for you" Dr. Burke explained when they had all sat down. „Sometimes I will address you separately, sometimes the both of you together and sometimes I will ask you to talk to each other about something. And if you decide to continue these sessions, there will definitely be homework. Is that okay with you?"

Both of them nodded their agreement.

„Let's start then" he said. „Rick since you are new to this and we don't really know each other yet, I'd like to start with Kate."

They nodded again.

„So Kate, do you want to tell me what happened after you left my office yesterday?"

Kate took a deep breath, shot Castle a questioning look and waited for him to nod before she started talking.

„I went straight to Castle's place like we talked about. His mother let me in. I apologized, he was angry at first with good reason. Then he asked if I was going to go after my mother's murderers, I said ‚no'. He said he'd like to try to forgive me then and agreed to come see you with me. We decided to try to talk." She glanced at Castle a little nervously before she added. „It was kind of awkward."

„Thank you Kate." Dr. Burke praised. „Is that how you remember it too, Rick?"

„Yes, that summarizes it pretty good." Rick agreed.

„Okay then" Dr. Burke said. „Kate, you said that talking was awkward. Rick was that your impression too?"

„Yeah" Rick sighed. „It had never been like that between us before. Actually this had never happened to me with anyone before for that matter."

Burke just nodded. „Why was it awkward?" He looked between them.

Kate decided to answer. „Because neither of us really knew what to say"

„I want you both to take a moment and think about what each of you did to make it awkward. What were your thoughts that prevented a normal conversation?" Burke told them, and when they agreed he got up from his chair to give them time to think and get a water.

A few minutes later, he sat down again.

„I suggest that each of you tells us now what your part was in making it awkward." Burke said.

„I'd like to go first" they said in unison.

Burke watched with interest as they both smiled.

„You go first" in tandem again. They chuckled.

„I start" Rick said then. And Kate nodded.

„I think that the reason why it was so awkward on my part was that I wanted to be completely honest but the only thing on my mind was how hurt I was. So that was the only thing I could talk about. And I think that maybe I should work through that alone. I mean Kate already apologized and I accepted. But I still have trouble trusting her and I guess that just takes time. And I'm just not used to not forgiving instantly. I guess that is what's making it awkward on my part, I want to forgive and trust her but it takes more time than I'd like it too" Castle told them what he'd figured out the past minutes about himself.

„Very good, Rick" Burke praised his braveness to share this with them. Then he looked expectantly at Kate.

„I feel like I have to apologize again every second sentence. Castle already said that I don't have to anymore, that one sincere heartfelt apology is enough but it's just the feeling I've got. Plus I'm afraid of talking. I'm afraid that I'm going to say things that will hurt him" Kate confessed. „Because that is all I seem to be capable of lately."

„What do you think would help you reduce the awkwardness?" Dr Burke asked.

„Work" they said in unison again.

„It's a good sign that you agree on that. Just try not to forget what we talked about today. I don't want you to just ignore all what happened" Dr Burke warned. „Now I will give you a minute to decide if you want to continue counseling and then…"

„I don't have to think about it" Rick interrupted. „If Kate is okay with it, I'd like to make this a weekly thing. I think it would be helping us a lot"

He looked at Kate who smiled at him relieved. She had hoped that Castle would want to continue counseling. „I think so too"

„Well, then it's settled. You can make a new appointment at the front desk" Dr Burke told them. „But before you go I'll give you your homework. I want you to write a diary entry from the others perspective. I want you to write down the other persons feelings about yourself."

Both of them stared at him like he was insane.

„You want me to pretend that I'm Kate and write a diary entry about her feelings for me?" Castle asked incredulously.

„Exactly" Burke said. „And I want you to do it after you haven't seen each other for at least 24 hours because we don't want it to be a spur of a moment thing."

„This is too difficult" Kate started to protest. There was no way this wouldn't end in a disaster.

„This is your homework and if you want to make progress I suggest you are doing it, Kate" Burke said in a stern tone. He reminded Castle a little of Montgomery. The man had definitely a soft spot for Kate since he'd agreed to do counseling for her. And he was a little like a stern father figure who wanted nothing but her best, even if he had to use a little force to get her there.

Kate grumbled but didn't protest further.

They said their goodbyes and made their way out of the building.

When they walked side by side to her car both of them were lost in thought. How should they know what the other was feeling? This was stupid. How should this help them? Dr. Burke always told her that she shouldn't assume and now he made her do it? What was the logic behind that?

„We could cheat" Castle thought out loud.

„What?" asked Kate who had been too busy with arguing with her .

„You write mine, I write yours. That way it would be correct" Castle suggested.

Tempting, Kate thought and then sighed. „As much as I don't like this exercise, I'm willing to do it. If Dr. Burke thinks this is going to help then I'm willing to try. Even if I don't see how this is supposed to help."

„And anyway, shouldn't this be easy for you. You are a writer after all" Kate tried to joke.

„Exactly" Castle said. „I'm a writer. Not a mindreader. I make things up for a living, now I'm supposed to know what you are thinking"

„So it's equally difficult for both of us" Kate concluded.

„Seems that way" Castle agreed.

Then Kate's phone rung and she picked up. When she ended the call she said „Come on, Castle. Let's solve a murder"

O-o-o-o-o

„Stop laughing. It's not funny" Kate grumbled and threw a pillow into Lanie's face who just continued laughing.

„Oh yes. It's hilarious." Lanie gasped. „And I think you have it way better than him. I mean even you don't know how you feel most of the time. How is Castle supposed to know?"

Kate glared at her. She'd tried the whole week to at least collect some ideas for the diary entry but she just couldn't do it. Today had been her day off. She hadn't seen Castle since two days ago because after his initial idea of cheating he had taken the homework pretty seriously and hadn't come to the precinct in order to fulfill the exercise correctly.

Kate started to panic every time the pen touched the paper, the words ‚Dear Diary' mocking her. How was she supposed to know what Castle was feeling? Before their fight she would have known what to write. He'd loved her then. But now? He couldn't love her anymore after what she'd done, right? What did he feel towards her right now? Anger? Hatred? Resignation? Indifference?

Tomorrow morning was their next appointment with Dr. Burke and Kate still had nothing aside from ‚Dear Diary'. She'd been so desperate she'd called Lanie for a girl's night. Kate had already told her about their terrible fight and her emergency appointment with Dr. Burke sometime this week but until ten minutes ago she hadn't told her about the counseling.

„You have to admit, Kate, it's kind of funny. All the time you and Castle assume what the other is thinking or feeling. And you are always both so sure that you know exactly what is inside the others head. And now that you actually have to write it down you are freaking out."

„It's not funny, Lanie" Kate whined. „What if I get it totally wrong? What if I have to read it to him and I picked the wrong sentiment and he is hurt or insulted? I've already done enough damage. I'm so scared I'm screwing this up."

Now Lanie noticed that her friend was really upset about this.

„Why couldn't he just make me write an apology or something?" Kate groaned. She let her head sink into her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. „I'm going to screw this up. I'll write the wrong thing and he will be hurt by it. Again. I can't do this, Lanie, I can't"

Kate was close to tears now. He wanted to try to forgive her and she was going to destroy it with this stupid homework. What was Dr. Burke thinking? He was supposed to help them, not destroy what little was left from their relationship.

„Kate, look at me" Lanie told her and took her hands away from her face. „You can do this. You might not know his exact sentiments but when it comes down to it, you do know him pretty well."

„I know him well. I know he is generous and kind and sweet and has a big heart. But I don't know his feelings for me" Kate said and then she went silent, tears gathering in her eyes. „I don't know if he still loves me" Tears made their way down her cheeks.

„If I write that he still loves me and he doesn't, he'll think how stupid I am for even considering this after what I have done. He'll be insulted. And if I write that he doesn't love me anymore and he does, he'll be hurt that I doubted him. This is a terrible choice" Kate brushed the tears away with the back of her hand but new ones kept coming at a steady pace.

„He is going to therapy with you. That is saying something, Kate" Lanie pointed our.

„He could be doing that for the baby. He is a great father. The best. He wants the best for the baby. That doesn't has to have anything to do with me" Kate argued.

„Well" Lanie started. „When it comes down to it, you will have to decide if you want to risk insulting or hurting him. But think about it this way: He's been madly in love with you for four years. Do you really think he could just fall out of it?"

„After what I have done?" Kate asked. „It would be unreasonable not to"

„Maybe" Lanie conceded. „But love isn't a switch, Kate. There is nothing reasonable about love."

O-o-o-o-o

After Lanie had gone home, Kate got ready for bed. She took her pen and the paper for the diary entry with her.

She looked at her phone. Seven hours left until she had to pick up Castle for their appointment and she still hadn't done her homework.

But talking to Lanie had helped her. She finally had an idea what she could write thanks to her friend. So now with that idea in her head she just started to write without thinking about every sentence.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Love isn't a switch._

…

O-o-o-o-o

 _Hi readers,_

 _This chapter was kind of difficult to write and I don't like it that much._

 _Please tell me what you think._

 _Thanks for reading :)_


	7. Chapter 7

_Thanks for all your kind reviews. I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I find it very difficult to write Dr. Burke so I'm glad you liked it._

 _Since somebody asked: my primary language is german_

O-o-o-o-o

„So how did you fare with your homework?" Dr Burke asked them.

Apparently now was the moment of truth, Kate thought. They'd talked a little about how each of them had done during the week, if it was still awkward between them (a little) and it seemed like now they were going to talk about their homework.

„Kate, would you please tell us how it was for you to write a diary entry from Rick's perspective" Dr Burke prompted.

Kate took a deep breath before she answered. „It was very difficult. I had trouble all week to come up with an idea what to write. I wrote it last night when I finally got an idea. It went okay then."

„Are you kidding me?" Castle gaped at her. „I wrote at least a hundred diary entries before I even started to think that I got the right idea. All the sheets of paper I threw away could probably fill my next novel. How could you write it in one try?"

„Because I knew that if I even read it one time I would never be able to bring it here with me" Kate told him honestly. She hadn't even proofread her diary entry once.

„Well, I guess writing things down is just part of my thinking process" Castle thought out loud.

„Do I understand correctly that this homework was difficult for the both of you?" Dr Burke asked.

„Yes" they both said, nodding.

„Why do you think that is?" the therapist asked them.

„Because we can't know what the other is thinking…" Rick started.

„…without talking to each other…" Kate added and their eyes met.

„…and being completely honest…" they stared at each other like they had so often done while building theory at the precinct.

Burke watched them interact with each other. There was definitely hope for them. They were completing each other's sentences, they kept looking at each other for approval before giving something away about their relationship and the way they stared at each other made it obvious that both of them still had strong feelings for the other.

„This is an important realization for the both of you." Dr Burke made himself known again. „From what you've told me the last months, Kate, I think that both of you were assuming what the other was feeling or thinking most of the time, which is as you've noticed now, almost impossible."

Kate and Rick felt a little like scolded school kids.

„Now that you realized this, it's up to you what is going to happen with your diary entries" Dr Burke continued. „The important thing about them was to realize that despite how much you think you know about each other, you can not really know unless the other tells you.

So now we can either ignore this homework if you are not feeling comfortable about what you wrote or we can base the next exercise on it. It's your call"

Rick and Kate looked at each other, having a silent conversation before Rick asked what the new homework would be.

„Well, I would suggest that you exchange your diary entries and read it at home. Then your task would be to write an answer to the diary entry in form of a letter. I think it would be a good opportunity to clear away some misunderstandings."

Rick – being curious by nature – said „I'd like to do it. I'd love to know what you think I'm thinking about you, Beckett. And I'd like to know what you actually think about me."

Kate was unsure if she should accept this exercise. On one hand she really wanted to read Ricks diary entry from her perspective and get to know what he really thought about her, on the other hand she was scared. She was scared that she would screw up all the progress they'd made because of her diary entry. And she was even more scared of what he would write back to her. She didn't know if she could take it if he confirmed her thoughts that he wasn't in love with her anymore.

But in the end, she knew what she had to do. They wanted to be honest and open with each other. And this was the place to start.

„Kate?" Rick asked, looking insecure when she'd been silent for too long.

She shook her head to get out of her thoughts. „Yeah, sorry. I'm game if you are" she said.

„Great" Rick smiled happily and held his hand out. In it he held a folded sheet of paper.

After they'd exchanged their homework, they said goodbye to Dr Burke and went to the precinct to work.

O-o-o-o-o

Rick left the precinct early. They'd solved the case and now it was just paperwork. Normally he would stay to keep Kate company but today he was just too curious to read what she wrote to him.

When he entered the loft he went straight for his office, where he sat down in his chair, pulled the diary entry out of his jeans pocket and started to read.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _Love isn't a switch.  
But lately I wish it was._

 _I've been so in love with Beckett but now… after she almost killed our child? I wish I could just fall out of love. I wish I could stop loving her._

 _Loving her hurts. Loving her is exhausting. Sometimes I wish I could just fall in love with someone else. Someone who isn't that complicated._

 _But I don't know if I'm capable of falling out of love with her. So I'm trying to forgive her. For the sake of our child especially. We are going to have a child together._

 _I'm going to have another child. Isn't that amazing? I love being a father._

 _But I'm a little scared that Kate is going to screw it up. I mean she already almost did and the baby isn't even born yet. How could she ever be a good mother?_

Rick put the diary entry down. Wow. Dr Burke was right. They couldn't know what the other was feeling without actually talking to each other about their feelings. It shouldn't really be a surprise but he would have thought that Kate knew him better than that. But apparently not. And if she was wrong about his feelings, he was probably wrong about hers too.

Rick took a sheet of the paper he'd bought on the way home from the precinct for this occasion and started writing.

O-o-o-o-o

When Kate finally finished her paperwork, the bullpen was almost empty. Ryan and Esposito had left half an hour ago and all the other homicide teams had no case today so they'd left hours ago.

She contemplated if she should go home first before she read Castle's diary entry but then her curiosity got the best of her and she just pulled it out of her purse and started to read.

 _Dear Diary,_

 _I'm scared._

 _I'm in love with Castle. And that is scaring me. I love him but there are so many other things in my life. And loving him sometimes just gets in the way._

 _I wanted to catch mom's murderer but now I'm in love with Rick. And I don't know what I want now. Going after the people behind mom's murderer would end our relationship, our partnership and I don't want that._

 _But all my adult life I've spent chasing those guys and now my love for him makes me stop. And it's difficult. Because sometimes I don't know if I wouldn't rather catch mom's murderers than love him._

 _And now there is something else too that keeps me from going behind those bad guys. Or someone to be precise. I'm pregnant and I already love the baby so much. I'm a little nervous too. But I love the baby and I'm not going to risk hurting it again by going after my mother's murderers again._

 _I know mom would want me to be happy. To live my life and leave the case behind. She would want me to be there for the baby._

 _So I'm in love with Castle and we are going to have a child together and mom would want me to be happy. Shouldn't it be simple?_

Kate had tears in her eyes when she put the letter down. Still with a tear-clouded vision she pulled the first sheet of paper out of her desk drawer. There was her grocery list written on one side, so she turned it over and hastily started to write her letter.

 _Dear Rick,_

 _You are not in the way. Loving you doesn't get in my way._ You _don't get in my way. You have never been in the way. Even in the beginning of our partnership you have not been in the way. You have always been helpful._

 _And I know what I want. I want_ you. _You and our baby. That's what I want. I want to be with you. I want to love you. I want you to love me (if that's still what you want). I would love if there was going to be a point in the future where we can be there for our child together._

 _Wishfully sooner than later because this baby scares the shit out of me. I've never been more scared about anything in my life._

 _And yes, there was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to catch mom's killer but that time is over. I want you. I want us. And if (and it's a big if) I would ever start to investigate again I would only do so with you by my side. I need your strength, your smartness and your support to do it carefully. Without risking my life (or anyone else's)._

 _I don't know if or when you are ready for it, but I want to be in relationship with you._

 _I'll give you all the time in the world, but just know until you are ready (if you'll ever be or want to be):_

 _I love you, Rick._

 _Always._

 _Love, Kate_

When she finished the letter, she pulled her phone out of her purse. It was already 10:13 pm. No wonder the bullpen was so empty. But Kate couldn't wait a second longer so she sent a message to her partner.

 **K: Are you still awake?**

She had to wait only a few seconds before Castle's response came.

 **R: It's only 10:15 pm. I'm not that old ;p We got a case?**

 **K: Whatever you say, old man ; ) No. Did you write the letter yet?**

 **R: Yeah, I did. Finished it a few hours ago. What about you?**

 **K: Finished it 5 minutes ago.**

Kate hesitated a second before she sent the next text.

 **K: I don't want to wait until our next appointment with Dr Burke to give it to you.**

Instead of another text, her phone started to ring, showing Castle's picture on her screen.

„Hey Castle" Kate said smiling, she could still hear her tears from earlier in her voice. She wondered if Castle could hear it to.

„Hey. Are you okay?" he asked a little concerned. So he had noticed, Kate thought.

„Yes." she said. „No" she corrected. „I don't really know."

„What's on your mind?" Castle asked.

„I don't want to wait to give the letter to you. We've talked in subtext enough to last a life time. I don't want to waste any more time to tell you how I'm really feeling." Kate told him and bit her lip. She was unsure if that was what he wanted too but she really couldn't wait any longer. She didn't want to risk any more misunderstandings.

„Do you want to come over?"

Kate smiled. „I would love to"

„Great!" Rick exclaimed and Kate could hear his happy smile which made her own grow too.

O-o-o-o-o

When Rick opened the door, he was greeted by Kate who was still wearing her work clothes.

„Hey" he smiled and pulled her into a quick hug. They didn't normally hug but he just felt like it so he decided to go with it. Kate didn't seem to mind, in fact she hugged him back and held on longer than necessary.

„Do you want something to drink?" Castle asked after he'd guided her towards the couch in the living room.

Kate shook her head. „No thanks. I just want to give you your letter"

„Okay, then let me get yours from my office" Rick said.

A minute later he was back with an cute grey envelope in his hand.

„So how are we going to do this?" Rick asked. „Exchange and read at the same time or first one and then the other?"

„Same time" Kate said. And handed him the letter, taking the envelope from him.

Rick waited for her to open the envelope before he unfolded the paper she gave him. Then he started to read.

Kate looked at the paper first. It was very cute and on the bottom and top was a parade of little elephants which looked a lot like the ones she had on her desk in the precinct. She loved the paper. It was so cute and she was almost sure that he'd just bought it for this occasion. For her.

Then she started to read too.

 _Dear Kate,_

 _Reading your diary entry made me realize once again how important it is for us to talk about our feelings._

 _You are right about one thing in your letter. Love isn't a switch. And yes loving you has hurt a little lately._

 _But everything else you got wrong. I don't want to fall out of love with you. Maybe there was a time when I wished I could stop loving you because I thought you would never reciprocate._

 _But right now I'm feeling hopeful that in the end all the difficulties, all the heartbreak, all the frustration and all the madness will have been worth it._

 _Because there is nothing I want more than to be with you and to raise our child together. I'm not in the process of forgiving you (I'm not_ trying _by the way, I'm_ doing it _. It's just a process that takes time) just because of our child. Not even for the bigger part. I'm forgiving you because I want to. Because_ I love you _, because I want to be with you and because I know you are worth it._ We _are worth it._

 _As for raising our child: I'm not the slightest bit scared that you won't be an amazing mother. What happened was a one time thing only. I know you would never willingly put our child in danger. As you said yourself your addiction took over for a moment. And I know I am to blame for that too._

 _This won't happen again. Because I know deep down that you are stronger than that. I know you. You are the most complicated, frustrating, challenging person I know. But you are the strongest, kindest and most lovable person too._

 _I had issues the last weeks with trusting you. But analyzing my (and your) feelings made me realize that I still trust you with almost everything._

 _I have no doubt that you are going to love our child just as much as I will (and already do). You are going to be a great mother. You'll put our child above everything just like parents are supposed to do._

 _I don't know if we'll get there this fast but my greatest wish is that by the time the baby arrives we'll have resolved our problems and be together. I want us to be in a relationship to raise the child together. And I really wish we will be in a place where you will be spending most nights at the loft because I don't want either of us to miss out on anything in the baby's life._

 _I know I haven't been great at showing you lately but:_

 _I love you, Kate._

 _Always._

 _Love,_

 _Rick_

Castle waited impatiently for her to finish reading. When her eyes were on the bottom of the letter he watched her eyes go even softer than they had been before. He smiled. They'd written exactly the same words at the end of their letters.

Kate put the letter down and looked up at Rick who was looking at her with a loving gaze. They smiled at each other. And then in silent agreement they leaned towards each other until their lips met.

The kiss was sweet and short before Kate pulled back a little.

„I love you" she whispered and could feel the happiness radiating from him.

„I love you too" he said with the biggest, happiest smile on his lips and then he leaned in to kiss her again.

He pulled her closer and she deepened the kiss, her hands tangled in his hair, his found his way to her waist.

Kate moaned when Castle started nibbling at her lower lip. Kissing him felt like coming home. She didn't want to ever stop. She started to explore his face and chest with caressing touches of her fingertips.

„Stay the night" Castle whispered against her lips.

„God, yes" Kate moaned, griping his shirt tighter in her hands. She definitely didn't want to go home tonight.

„Let's move this to the bedroom" Castle said and scooped her up in his arms to carry her through his office into his bedroom.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

When Kate and Rick entered Dr Burkes office a week later they did so with their hands intertwined.

They'd had a great week. Sleeping together was bringing them back in sync and every time they said _I love you_ the wounds inflicted by the other started to heal. Lying next to each other in bed they found it easier to talk.

After their first night (and morning) they'd agreed to keep their relationship between each other for the moment but as soon as they'd entered the precinct their colleagues had seen the difference and Gates had called them into her office.

„ _Detective Beckett" Gates said sternly. „You know that relationships between coworkers are forbidden, don't you?"_

„ _Sir, we are not…" Kate wanted to deny but Gates shut her up with a glare._

„ _Do I look stupid to you, detective?" her boss asked with a dead edge to her voice._

„ _No sir. Of course not" Kate said and shot Castle a nervous look. She didn't want to loose him as her partner._

„ _But technically I'm not NYPD. So…" Castle started but was immediately stopped but Gates look._

„ _Mr Castle" she scolded. „Do you work with detective Beckett?"_

„ _Um… yes?" he said._

„ _So you are coworkers" Gates concluded. „Or would you rather I throw you out of my precinct?"_

„ _No sir" Castle said._

„ _Well then I suggest you keep your mouth shut and listen to me"_

„ _Yes sir"_

 _Then Gates turned to Kate again. „Detective Beckett, you do know that it is your mandatory to tell your boss when you are pregnant, do you?"_

„ _Um… um… sir… I…" Kate stammered. „How do you know?"_

„ _You should know by now that nothing in this precinct goes past me" Gates said instead of giving an explanation._

„ _I suppose this baby is yours, Mr Castle?" she asked._

 _No point in lying now, right? „Yes, it's his" Kate answered for him._

„ _So you think that you can just keep working together?" Gates asked, her posture as cold as ever. „Despite the fact that the NYPD policy explicitly forbids relationships between coworkers. You think it's alright to hide this from me? And on top of that you tried to hide a pregnancy from me." Kate hadn't necessarily been hiding the pregnancy. She just hadn't thought about talking to Gates about it._

„ _I…" Kate was searching for a way out. Some excuse she could give. She didn't find one. „I'm sorry, sir."_

 _Gates sighed. „Do you have any idea how irresponsible it is to not mention that you are expecting a child, detective?" Her tone had somewhat grown gentler and Kate could hear her captains concern for her wellbeing. She immediately felt bad._

„ _Mr Castle I expect that you keep her out of trouble instead of getting her into it like you usually do."_

 _At that both of them stared at Gates in shock._

„ _So Castle is allowed to keep working with me?" Kate asked incredulous._

„ _As long as your relationship doesn't affect your work, I can pretend to not know anything. And no PDA. Do we understand each other?" Gates asked._

„ _Yes sir" they said in unison._

„ _From now on I expect complete honesty" the captain told them. „If there are any complications with the pregnancy I expect you to tell me so I can put you on desk duty or on leave. Do we understand each other?"_

„ _Of course sir" Kate said._

„ _You are dismissed" Gates said. Before she could change her mind they turned and Castle was already out of the door when Gates called Kate back._

 _She looked questionably at her captain._

„ _Congratulations, Kate" Gates said with an hint of a smile on her lips._

„ _Thank you" Kate said and left the office with a final nod to her captain._

After that conversation with Gates they had decided to tell Ryan and Esposito as well. They'd waited until they were off duty and then went to the Old Hunt where they told them and celebrated until Kate grew tired and wanted to leave. In the cab she shared with Rick she got as clingy as she'd been the night before. She cuddled into him and when the cab stopped in front of her place she all but dragged him out behind her. He of course didn't mind a bit.

Since that first night they had spend all nights together and Rick was delighted at how cuddly and affectionate Kate was. She was open and trusting and had let him even hold her hair when she had started to throw up every morning three days ago.

Now they were called into Burke's office.

„Good morning Kate, good morning Rick" Burke said and shook both their hands. „You look good." Of course it hadn't escaped his notice that they had been holding hands when they first entered his office.

„How are you doing?" he asked after they'd sat down.

„Great" Rick answered for both of them with his adorably happy smile Kate loved so much. Burke watched them with interest.

„I can see that" he stated. „Has there been some kind of development?" He didn't dare suggest that that development took place in their relationship. It should be obvious but with those two you never knew.

„Actually" Kate started and unconsciously took Rick's hand in hers again „we are together now." She turned to her boyfriend and they smiled widely at each other.

Burke kept his professional mask in place but internally he couldn't stop to think _finally._

„I'm glad to hear that. Congratulations" Burke told them. He studied them for a few more moments. They seemed to be very happy. He just hoped…

„As happy as you both clearly are right now, I want to go back to the topics we were talking about in our prior sessions. The main issue seemed to be that both of you had trouble talking to each other. So my question is if you managed to actually talk to each other about your feelings? Did the progression of your relationship result out of talking?" Burke asked.

„If writing – as another form of communication besides talking – counts, then yes. We exchanged the letters that you assigned us with the day we wrote them" Rick recounted.

„That's when we got together" Kate added.

„Do I understand correctly that the start of your relationship resulted out of communicating with each other?" Burke asked.

„Yes" Castle said and Kate nodded.

„What does this tell you for the future of your relationship?" he asked in best therapist manner.

„That communication is the basis of a relationship…" Kate said.

„…and that we need to continue talking to each other…" Rick continued.

„…in order for this relationship to work."

„That communicating our feelings is essential…"

„…to understand each other's motives…"

„…and actions." Rick finished.

Burke was starting to get a headache from the back and forth between them. Did they even notice that they were concluding each other's sentences? Burke wondered.

„You seem to have figured it out" Burke told them. „But just to be sure I want you to write down all the times that communication could have prevented misunderstandings. I want you to do that together this time."

With their new homework they said goodbye and left the therapist's office.

O-o-o-o-o

Later that night when they'd laid in bed next to each other they had talked about all the times they had failed to communicate their feelings and had therefore hurt each other. They hadn't written it down but they had talked and they thought that was just as good.

After that they'd both been a little upset because they could have gotten together so much sooner. But it had made them want to prove how good they were together even more. And so they had. With very little clothing.

Castle had fallen asleep soon after but Kate lay wide awake.

She listened to Rick's even breathing. It was calming and the past few days it had lulled her into the most restful sleep she had had in years. But right now she just couldn't fall asleep because her feet were so cold. They felt like she'd walked barefoot in the snow or something.

She'd already tiptoed over to Castle's dresser and picked out the thickest pair of socks she could find but her icicle feet just wouldn't warm up. She tried massaging them but that didn't work either. They just stayed cold. She was so tired but her feet were too cold to fall asleep. She shifted in bed and let out a frustrated groan.

„What's wrong?" Castle mumbled in his sleep. Kate didn't want to wake him so she said nothing, thinking he would just fall back asleep when she kept quiet and stopped shifting. But her saying nothing was actually what alarmed him and woke him up a little more.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. „What's wrong?"

„Nothing really" she responded. It really was nothing. Just a problem all women had to face occasionally. „Go back to sleep"

„You were fidgeting" he said matter of factly. „Can't you fall asleep? Are you uncomfortable? Did I snore?"

Oh, this sweet sweet man. Kate shook her head.

„Just cold feet" Kate said. He was awake now anyway and clearly he wasn't going back to sleep until she told him what was wrong. Which was nothing at all.

„Ah" he made as if he knew the problem. Which he probably did. He'd enough woman in his bed, two of them he'd been married to. Clearly he had to face that problem at some time. „Come here." He lifted the corner of his blanket.

Kate scooted over and he pulled her into him, letting the blanket fall down over her.

„When she was little, Alexis used to have cold feet all the time. She would tiptoe down the stairs, into my bedroom and under my blanket. She was so quiet I wouldn't even have woken up if it weren't for her ice cold feet touching my legs" Castle recounted and chuckled at the memory.

While he told her the little story he hugged her to his body, transferring his warmth into her. Her whole body warmed up and finally some of the warmth reached her feet.

„My mom had cold feet all the time too. So she knew how terrible it was" Kate told him. „As a kid I had never cold feet but if I had my mom would climb into bed with me and let me tug them between her legs. And I loved that. So after she tugged me in at night and left my room I would get up again and walk up and down in my room to get my feet cold so I could call for my mom and she would come back and lay in bed with me. Sadly my feet warmed up pretty fast again and she would go back to the living room to continue working on her cases. One night when my dad tugged me in I confessed to him. After that mom stayed every time until I fell asleep when I called her to warm my feet."

„So little Katie Beckett cheated to get some cuddle time with her mother instead of asking?"

„Mhm" Kate let out into his shoulder. Castle held her tighter and kissed her forehead. He loved hearing stories about little Katie Beckett. He loved when she was sharing parts of herself with him.

Kate's feet weren't cold anymore. In fact they were starting to sweat with the thick socks. So she shoved them off with her feet.

„Are your feet warm yet?" Castle asked and Kate felt as if she was back in her small bed with her mother all those years ago. That was the question Johanna had always asked before she kissed her forehead and left her room again. Kate felt like she needed to lie in order to receive more cuddle time but then she remembered that she was with Castle right now.

Kate nodded but threw one leg and one arm over him, making it clear that even if her feet were warm now cuddle time wasn't over.

„Good" Castle whispered and shifted a little to get more comfortable before he hugged her tighter again. He yawned.

Kate yawned too. She readjusted the side of her face on Castle's chest until she was perfectly comfortable.

„Night Rick" she mumbled, already half asleep.

O-o-o-o-o

„Rick?" Kate said. He immediately looked up from the book he had been reading. She rarely called him that.

„Yeah?" he smiled at her on the other end of his couch with his iPad in her hands. Her belly slightly swollen now.

„I've been thinking" she said and looked down at the screen of the iPad as if the source of her thinking lay there.

„Uh-oh, should I be worried?" Castle asked when he noticed her hesitant look.

„What?" Kate asked. „No. I was just thinking about the baby and how we are going to do this. I mean we spend a lot of time with each other but we don't actually live together and I don't have that much space in my apartment anyway. And we are not anywhere near ready to move in with each other but in the long term I think we will be…maybe… if that's what you want" she stopped and bit her lip. Her rambling was cute. Rick put his book aside and came closer to her so he could take her hands in his.

„Of course that's what I want, Kate" he told her sincerely. „But you are right. We are not ready yet to live together permanently but we agreed to take care of the baby together and therefore we need to be in the same place most of the time."

Kate nodded her agreement.

„Yeah, so I've been thinking about buying some stuff like a crib and where to put it and I was thinking of your guest room? If that's okay?" Kate didn't want to impose. It was his home. If he wanted to keep his guest room they would figure something out.

„Of course. In my mind it was already clear that the guest room would become the baby's room. I just wanted to wait until we knew the gender before buying anything" Castle said.

„I don't want to wait until then. I don't want the decorations and the color of the room to be influenced by the baby's gender. I want the baby to have all the possibilities and not be constricted by what society thinks is appropriate for its gender. So I think it would be best to think about how we want the room to be before we find out if we're having a boy or a girl"

Rick smiled. God, he loved her so much. She was perfect. When Meredith first found out that they were going to have a girl she started to buy every pink thing she could find and Rick had to fight very hard so Alexis' room wouldn't be pink too.

„Good idea" he said. „So what where you thinking about?"

„I thought maybe we could paint the room in soft white and grey tones. And have some animal prints on the wall" Kate suggested.

„Whatever you want, Kate" Rick said and leaned over to kiss her on the lips.

She pulled back. „I want you to like it too" she insisted.

„I'm sure I will. Did you already look at things?" he asked with a look to the iPad. She nodded.

„Show me" Castle said and sat closer to her. They put their feet up on the coffee table and Kate showed him the furniture she'd been looking at.

Soon they had preordered everything they would need for the baby's first year.


	9. Chapter 9

Three months later:

Rick guided his now obviously pregnant girlfriend into the doctor's office. But not Burke's office. They'd had their final session with the therapist last week. Things were great right now. With Doctor Burke's help they had learned to talk to each other about their feelings. Most of the time it came to them naturally now. Especially with Kate pregnant and pregnancy hormones making her feelings bubble on the surface anyway.

Today they were seeing her OB/gyn. With a little luck they would be finding out the gender today. Rick was absolutely excited. He couldn't wait to find out. Kate was sure they were going to have a girl. Castle always argued they were going to have a boy. But in reality he dreamed about a little girl as often as he dreamed of a little boy. So he couldn't take his dreams as a sign.

His thinking was stopped when Kate's doctor called them into the examination room.

After a few standard checkups the doctor asked: „Do you want to know the gender?"

Kate said yes and Rick nodded eagerly. He was holding Kate's hand while staring at the screen fascinated.

„Let's have a look then" the woman said and proceeded to change the angle so they would be able to find out the gender.

„Well, seems like you are going to have a little girl. Congratulations." She smiled at them, printed an ultrasound picture for them and handed Kate a tissue to clean herself up.

„Told you" Kate smirked at her boyfriend. Rick pretended to pout. Kate chuckled and placed a kiss on his lips after he helped her get up.

„Are you happy?" she asked earnestly. Rationally she knew he wasn't upset that they were having a girl instead of a boy but well, she wanted to hear it from him. Pregnancy was making her insecure sometimes. Or a lot of times.

„Of course" Rick said and leaned in for another kiss. „Are you?"

Kate nodded and they hugged. Kate buried her face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent.

„Love you" she said.

„Love you too" he replied.

O-o-o-o-o

Two weeks after they found out they were having a girl, Kate had complications. She'd been walking down the stairs in the loft when she suddenly felt a jolt of pain in her abdomen. Panicky she'd called for Rick who hadn't been home at the time because of a book signing.

Alexis had been studying in her room when she'd heard Kate calling out for her farther in panic. So she'd rushed out of her room and found Kate halfway down the stairs breathing heavily and holding her belly in pain. Panicked tears glittering in her eyes.

Alexis had almost panicked as well. Nobody was home besides them since her farther was currently signing books on the other side of town and Martha was at an audition or something. But Alexis had tried to stay calm, called for an ambulance, helped Kate down to the couch, called her farther to meet them at the hospital and had tried to comfort her as good as she could.

Once at the hospital the doctors gave her some medication and the pain subsided. Causing Alexis to breath out in relief. Until then she hadn't been overly fond of her farther's relationship with Kate Beckett since she'd caused him so much hurt in the past. She had been even less thrilled about the baby. She didn't want to admit it but in retrospect she thought she might have been jealous that her dad's focus was going to change.

But when she'd heard Kate's call and saw her holding her belly in pain she'd immediately been concerned for her baby sister's wellbeing. That was the first time she'd thought of the baby as her sister instead of just _the baby._ After that incident Alexis had started to look forward to having a baby sister. And she started to see how much Kate reciprocated her father's love.

While they had waited for Rick to arrive they had had time to talk and they formed a bond. Still very thin but there nonetheless.

When Castle had arrived he'd rushed to Kate's bedside with the most scared expression Alexis had ever seen on her father's face. Then the doctor had come in again and told them that it were just minor complications that were resolved now but they were putting Kate on bed-rest just to be sure. They told her to stay away from any physical activity and emotional stress.

After that they had gone home where Rick had made the trip to Alexis room after dinner to thank her for taking Kate to the hospital.

Now Kate had been in bed for more or less two whole weeks and she was getting insane. She hated not being able to do anything. Rick didn't even let her carry her own book because he thought it was too heavy. A book!

She felt like a prisoner in his bedroom and she was about to explode with frustration. She knew he meant well but she couldn't take it anymore. She knew the next time he would talk to her she was going to explode. She didn't want to because he really hadn't done anything wrong but she was just so damn frustrated. The frustration was bubbling on the surface, just waiting to be let out on an innocent person.

Kate wanted to go home to her apartment. She wished she could just slip out of the loft and go. But she knew Castle wouldn't let her. They would have an argument which would frustrate her only more. Because he would say that she shouldn't be alone in her apartment in case something happened and the worst part was she knew he was right. But she just wanted – no _needed_ – time to herself. She just wanted to be alone.

She loved him. She really really did. But his hovering on top of her already there frustration was gnawing on her nerves.

She just wanted to go home to be alone for some time. Because she knew that she was going to hurt him when the inevitable argument would start. She didn't want that. But she knew it was going to happen.

She could hear his footsteps approaching the bedroom. In a second the door was going to open and he would ask if she wanted tea. Or if he should cook for her. If she craved anything. If she wanted him to go buy her a new book. If she wanted…. If she needed…

All of that was nice. He was the perfect boyfriend. But right now she just wanted her independence.

The doorknob turned.

„Kate" he said when he entered the bedroom. She didn't want to let her frustrations out on him so she pretended to be asleep. Maybe she was lucky and he would go away so she didn't have to talk to him.

„Kate" he whispered and gently sat down next to her, placing a kiss on her forehead.

She stopped pretending and opened her eyes. „What?" her tone was already pretty frustrated. She tried to force the frustration down. It wasn't his fault. She shouldn't let her frustration out on him.

„Um…. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Peterson's for poker. Alexis is upstairs. Just call if you need anything" he said.

 _What?_ _He was going to leave her alone? With nothing to do?!_ Kate thought incredulous. He couldn't be serious! She couldn't even get up from bed and was bored to death and he was going to play with his friends? Leaving her to her boredom?! She couldn't believe this!

(She ignored the voice in the back of her head that told her that a minute ago she had just wanted to be alone, to have some time away from him.)

„Yeah, sure you go and play with your friends and I just lay here and do nothing at all" Kate replied angrily, glaring at him. It was just so unfair that he could walk around all the time and she had to lay in bed all day with nothing to do but read.

Castle was taken aback by her tone. „I thought you would be happy to have me out of your hair for a while. But I can stay if you want me to" he said gently.

„No" Kate chewed out. „You go have fun. Don't let me keep you" Her tone was angry. She didn't try to hold her frustration back any longer. Right now she didn't care if she was going to hurt him with what she was saying. To be honest she wasn't even thinking about the fact that words had the power to hurt people right now.

„No, it's fine. I'm staying" Rick said with what he thought of was a soothing voice.

„No! Go! Play with your friends" Kate raged. His insistence on staying was making her only angrier. She didn't need him! She didn't want him here right now! She just wanted to be alone!

Kate didn't know whom she tried to convince right now. Or whom she was angry at. Probably just herself.

„Come on, Kate, tell me what you want me to do really. Do you want me to stay or go? Or stay at home but leave you alone? Everything is fine with me. Just tell me" Rick said and he was so fucking understanding it frustrated Kate even more.

„Just go! Leave me alone. I don't want to see you!" she hissed in fury. She was angry at him. Angry at the pregnancy. Angry at the baby. And most of all she was angry at herself.

For a moment she could see hurt hush over his face before he nodded and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Kate was still fuming with anger, stared at the door furiously. She didn't even know what she wanted him to do.

But when she heard the front door of the loft open and then close she started to cry.

Obviously that wasn't what she had wanted. Even if she had thought that might be it.

She'd hurt him. Again. He just wanted to help, do everything for her and she had just yelled at him. Tears flew down her face and she soon started to sob. She rolled into a ball as good as she could with her belly, hugging his pillow to her chest.

She wished he would come back. She wished he hadn't left. She wanted to curl up against him and cuddle.

She cried and sobbed quietly into Castle's pillow. She didn't want to alert Alexis upstairs. Physically she was fine and she didn't want the teenager to have to deal with her mood swings.

Approximately twenty minutes after Castle had left there was a knock on the front door. Kate could hear Alexis running down the stairs and opening the door, then she heard her talking to someone in a quiet voice before Kate heard steps up the stairs again. Probably a friend of Alexis.

Great. Kate thought angrily again. Everybody is having fun but her. Normally she loved reading but right now she couldn't see books anymore. She knew she was being unfair. Just because she couldn't leave the bed didn't mean that other people had to put their lives on hold too. But she was just so damn frustrated.

Suddenly, totally unexpected there was a knock on the bedroom door. Huh? Hadn't she heard Alexis walking upstairs?

The door opened a bit and she heard a soft „Kate?".

Lanie's voice.  
What was she doing here?

„Can I come in?" Lanie asked.

„Mhm" Kate mumbled, her throat felt still to tight from crying to speak.

The door opened and Lanie came in. She was carrying a bag with chocolate cake and two hot chocolates.

„Hey girlfriend" she smiled and put the bag down on Rick's nightstand before she just climbed on top of the covers to lay beside Kate.

Kate just stared at her friend. She wondered what she was doing here. How she knew that she could need a friend right now. But she was still too emotional to talk so she stayed curled up in a ball. Tears continued to fall but at least the sobs had stopped.

For once Lanie didn't push. She just sat on Rick's side of the bed, her head on the headrest and sipped her hot chocolate.

„He is going to break up with me" Kate said after some time and another sob fought his way up her throat.

„No, he isn't" Lanie responded.

„Yes, he is" Kate insisted. „I hurt him. Again. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore" Another sob escaped.

„He is not going to break up with you, Kate" Lanie argued. „He loves you and a stupid fight won't change that"

„But it wasn't really a fight. He was super sweet and I just lashed out with no reason" Kate cried. The longer she thought about it the more convinced she was that he would break up with her.

Why should he want to keep up with her mood swings if she was constantly hurting him?

„Doesn't matter. He still loves you" Lanie said with absolute certainty. „You know he called me, told me that you were upset with him, that he couldn't do anything right and asked me to come and cheer you up? He sounded worried. He knows that having to stay in bed frustrates you. He understands."

Oh. Her sweet sweet Castle. Even when she threw him out of his own house he still wanted to make her feel better.

„Things have been so perfect, Lanie. Ever since we went to see Dr Burke together things got better and better and now we have been out of therapy for three weeks and I already start hurting him again. What is wrong with me?" Kate cried. She didn't want to hurt him. She loved him so much. Why did she keep hurting him?

„Occasional fights are perfectly normal in a serious relationship. And I don't think he is upset with you. You are pregnant and can't leave bed right now. You are allowed to occasionally blame the guy who brought this on you. You have to suffer through bed-rest and hormones and giving birth and he has to keep up with your mood swings. That's how it is."

Lanie let her sulk a little longer before she ordered „And now, Kate Beckett, you get your sorry ass up, figuratively of course, and eat this chocolate cake I paid a fortune for. And then we are going to watch a very nice and sappy romcom"

O-o-o-o-o

A few hours later Kate woke up to a dark bedroom. It seemed like she had fallen asleep during the second movie and Lanie had left. The door to the bedroom opened and Rick walked in.

„Castle?" Kate said. She wanted to apologize but he just shook his head and disappeared into the bathroom. Kate felt her eyes water. So Lanie wasn't right. He was upset with her.

When she heard the bathroom door open again a soft light illuminated the room. He walked over to her bedside.

„Rick, I'm so sor…" she started put he put his finger on her lips. Then he took her hands and carefully pulled her to a standing position.

„Come with me" he said and walked them inside the bathroom which was illuminated by a hundred candles, a heavenly smelling bath drawn and soft music playing.

„Come on, let me help you into the tub" he said and didn't let her time to think about how perfect he was and how she didn't deserve him.

When she was in the perfectly warm water, he leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

„You enjoy your bath, beautiful. I'll be in the bedroom. Call me if you need anything" he told her and was about to leave when she spoke.

„You" she said. „I need you. Please stay"she whispered.

„Of course" he said and went to sit down beside the bathtub.

Kate shook her head. „Come in"

Soon she was leaning against his chest, his hands on her belly, carefully stroking.

„I'm so sorry, Rick. You are perfect, you haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry for yelling at you" she apologized.

„It's okay, Kate. You are bored and frustrated. You are allowed to let it out on me. I can take it" he said and kissed her temple. „Anyway, if I were on bed-rest, I'm sure I would be worse."

Kate imagined him on bed-rest and came to the same conclusion. She chuckled and he pretended to pout.

„Thanks for being so understanding" Kate said.

„Always" Rick smiled and kissed her temple.


	10. Chapter 10

Epilogue

 _I was a little surprised at how many people don't want to continue reading this story just because Kate and Rick are going to have a girl. But this story ends with the birth of the baby anyway so I don't think it really matters._

O-o-o-o-o

„So Felicity, look this is your new home" Rick cooed. He was currently carrying their newborn in one arm. She was so very tiny she fit perfectly on one of his arms so he could still hold hands with Kate.

„You know that she is sleeping, right?" Kate said, smiling exhaustedly. It had been two days since Felicity had been born but she was still exhausted. Staying in the hospital with a bunch of other crying infants wasn't really relaxing.

Kate sighed in relief when they finally were home. She called the loft home know. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been to her apartment. Not since she had been put on bed-rest. Officially she hadn't moved into the loft. But unofficially she had all her important things here and hadn't been to her apartment in months.

„Do you want to lay down?" Castle asked, taking in her tired look.

„Yeah" Kate nodded. „You should too. You've slept less than I have." Castle of course had been with her when she gave birth to Felicity and he hadn't left the hospital either. And unlike her he had nothing but an uncomfortable plastic chair to sleep in. She'd told him he could go home to sleep but he had insisted on staying and had probably bribed the staff to let him.

„Dad! Kate! You are home" Alexis exclaimed while she came down the stairs. „And there is my little baby sister" she cooed once she'd reached them.

„Oh my god, she is so cute" Alexis said. „Can I hold her?" she looked up at her dad and Kate.

„Yes, of course" Castle said and put Felicity very carefully in Alexis' arms.

„You can even keep her for an hour or so until she wakes up and wants to be fed again" Kate said. „I swear she already eats more than Castle. She is _always_ hungry. I can't even sleep for two hours at a time."

„Yeah, you two look pretty tired. You can go to sleep, I watch Felicity" Alexis smiled excitedly. Granted she was asleep and they couldn't do much but Alexis was happy to just look at her.

„Thanks Alexis" Kate gave her a tired smile. „Just come wake me when she starts crying"

„I'll do that" Alexis smiled back. „Good night"

„Night" Kate said.

„Night pumpkin" Rick said and he and Kate made their way to the bedroom, leaving Alexis and Felicity in the living room.

After changing into comfortable clothes they slipped under the covers. They were so tired they were almost asleep as soon as their heads touched the pillows.

Before he fell asleep Rick whispered in Kate's hair.

„I love you."

He remembered their first night together and smiled. He hadn't been able to tell her that he loved her then. The night they had made their perfect little daughter.

„Love you too" she mumbled back.

O-o-o-o-o

 _I'm not really that happy with this chapter (if it even can be called that) but this story kind of lost my interest. I don't want anything more angst between this version of Caskett and writing fluff bores me. So I'm ending this story here. And I'm looking forward to continue my other story and post new ones._

 _Thanks to all reviewers and followers. I hope you enjoyed the story._

2


End file.
